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There’s a popular stereotype that guys have only one thing on their minds. SEX! The implication is that women have to fend men off and that women are much less interested in making love. Based on our unscientific sample, however, such stereotypes are much too simplistic. We have received hundreds of messages from women who want sex at least as much as men do. We are also learning that many men are actually less interested in physical intimacy than their partners. Sometimes the imbalance in libido is due to medications.
A review published in Expert Opinion on Drug Safety (Oct. 4, 2024) analyzed data from the FDA’s Adverse Event Reporting System.
The authors found that:
“Fifty-eight drugs showed potential decreased libido risk based on the disproportionality analysis, with 40 of the drugs not mentioning the risk of reduced libido in their instructions.”
We fear that many health care providers are reluctant to mention sexual side effects when they prescribe a medication. That can cause complications in a relationship.
An Imbalance in Sex Drive:
Ask a sex therapist about the most common complaint couples have and it is likely to be mismatched sex drives. In other words, one partner desires sex more frequently than the other.
In one of our syndicated newspaper columns, a woman complained that she didn’t have enough energy for sex after working, housekeeping, cooking and taking care of a baby grandson. She wanted to know if there was anything she could feed her husband to dampen his desire.
Other women wrote in to sympathize with her. Most felt their husbands should pitch in with the housework and the cooking. They suggested that if men had to work as hard as women did, they would be worn out and less interested in sex too.
A couple of male readers disagreed. One said:
“Are you kidding me? While the man is doing all the chores, he’ll be thinking about his reward when he finishes. A man is never too tired for sex! He will swim the widest ocean, climb the highest mountain and fight the strongest lion, all in the interest of sex.”
Another shared this perspective:
“You apparently seem to know very little about what factors affect one’s sexual drive. I have been married three times, and in all cases my wives were unable to keep up with my sexual needs.
“I consider myself fairly intelligent, a good conversationalist, empathetic to all life and fairly good looking. I adore women and respect their individuality and personal beliefs. But sex is always at the front of my mind.
“Even when I worked long days and came home exhausted, my sex drive was always in high gear. It still is, even though I am now 71 and retired.
“I do not pretend to understand what determines sex drive. I only know that I have always enjoyed my own sexual appetite and hope to do so until I die. Perhaps someday I will meet a lady of a like mind where sex is concerned and we can both be happy and totally satisfied.”
Stories from Frustrated Women Who Want Sex More Than Their Partners:
Women visiting our Web site have shared some incredible stories of frustration. Here are just a few:
“You always hear from guys that they would love a girl like me, but put it into practice and you find out quickly that this just isn’t true. I have had a high sex drive since I hit puberty and have never found anyone to match it.
“I have been with the same man for 10 years, and it has always been the same: I am the initiator (95 percent of the time) and the sorely disappointed one (90 percent of the time), night after night. I spend too many nights crying, feeling unattractive and listening to snores come from the other side of the bed.
“Other than this, we get along well, have similar interests and have established a good home. The biggest problem is that we are both in our 30s. I love my husband, but I don’t know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life! I am looking for a way to reduce my sex drive because the rejection is killing me.”
Another woman commented:
“I thought I was basically alone in this. I’m a young woman with a very high sex drive. Except for sex, I am in a wonderful relationship.
“I have been with my boyfriend over two years. The first few weeks were bliss, where he actually wanted to make love with me. Since that time, we’ve gone from four or five times a week to MAYBE once every six weeks.
“I’ve dolled up, put on my best lace nightie, and when I walked into the room, he didn’t even notice. He makes me feel so bad for always wanting it, like I’m some sort of weirdo.
“He’s 24. He says he loves me and that he’s still very attracted to me, but there is no proof. He doesn’t even try to initiate anything with me and when I do, I’m rejected. I need something to kill my libido because my ego can’t take any more rejection.”
Apparently this problem is not at all unusual:
“I can’t believe so many others know what this is like. My sex drive is slightly above average. My boyfriend’s is well below average.
“Other than the lack of sex, our relationship is perfect. I wish this one thing didn’t hurt so much. We’re both in our mid 30s and healthy. He just doesn’t desire sex.
“On average, we have sex once every six weeks or so. At this point, once a week sounds good to me. It hurts so much to feel so undesired. Even when we do have sex, it’s only to please me. The sex is really good when it happens. Every time we do I get my hopes up that it’ll be more frequent but my hopes are always crushed. That’s why I’m searching for something to kill my sex drive.”
More Stories from Women Who Want Sex More than Their Husbands:
There are over 200 comments from women who are feeling frustrated and alone. Here are just a couple more:
Jenn read some of the comments and no longer feels so alone:
“Wow this has made it so I no longer feel alone. I never knew how many women are just like me….same situation too…started my relationship hot and heavy: sometime 2 or 3 times a day. That turned into 1 time every 8 to 12 weeks. He says it’s him, not me but really getting denied so much just hurts.”
The Lost Girl writes:
“I wish I could meet one of these men who will do anything for sex. My partner will only have sex once a month (at most), while I used to be a once a day kind of gal–until his refusal of my advances made me so depressed that I gave up.
“We have great conversations and he likes non-sexual contact, but he is a sexual camel!
“I am not sure if I should leave him, or if I am even capable of doing so. I am down on myself all the time, and I think that just because he doesn’t want me that way, no one else will, either. So I am beginning to think that sex will never be part of my life again…and that is a sobering thought.”
Drugs and Sex:
There are a surprising number of drugs that dampen libido or cause erectile dysfunction as a side effect. They include antidepressants such as sertraline, fluoxetine, duloxetine and citalopram, to name just a few. Blood pressure medications can also cause adverse sexual side effects. So can medicines prescribed for an enlarged prostate. That includes dutasteride and finasteride.
Women who want sex more than their partners may want to read about such medications at this link:
Sexual Side Effects Are Common But Rarely Mentioned
If you would like more information about how drugs can affect human sexuality, you can download our FREE guides on this topic.
Please share your own experience regarding an imbalance in sexual desire in the comment section below. You may discover that you are not alone.
Tim
Where is the data? This can’t be right! I always figured the reason old men marry young women is their sex drive is the same. Of course my data population is somewhat limited in that it is only based on my personal experience of 50 years of monogamous marriage.
Tim T
I have been counseling couples and doing seminars on marital sex for over 40 years. The most frequent complaint of men is sexual frustration. There seems to be about an 80/20 rule for our general rules: 80% of men (4 out of 5) and 20% of women are the more sexually frustrated due to frequency and apparent mutual enjoyment. Healthier couples seem to more happily settle on 2 times per week: one mutually enjoyed and the other simply focused more on the one with higher desire. In the man, lack of interest may be medication, a struggle with erection the first time, masturbation, so much porn now makes the wife not physically stimulating, tired, or feeling emasculated by the wife. Most women’s brains are simply distracted by many things and hormones do matter. Many men (and some women) would have sex daily if the spouse seemed interested.
Laura
My husband and I will be celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary. He stopped wanting to have sex with me in 2002 right after my second daughter was born. He has changed his reasons for not wanting it through the years. In 2002, he told me he no longer thought of me “that way,” which instantly crushed my heart. Then he said “he didn’t mean it like that.” That has stayed with me ever since, and the thought still makes me cry.
Then he said that “Men in their 30’s aren’t the same as the way they were when they were 18”. Then it was stress, or he’s tired. Then it became the very long running reason of my sex drive is too high. And there is something wrong with me. He once caught me masturbating and said I was deliberately trying to make him feel bad.
Then for about another 10 or 15 years he said it was his problem, and I didn’t understand. I repeatedly asked him to talk to me about it, to communicate so I could help, or understand, or something, and he would shut me down and said he didn’t want to talk about it. Then for a while if we did have sex, there were rules. No kissing, no talking, and I had to keep my eyes closed, and I was not to speak to him afterwards.
I asked him to take the little blue pills (I can’t remember the name). He said that only gave men an erection, it didn’t do anything for desire. We once went 2 full years without any sex, any touching, any kissing or anything. He said I was shallow for making marriage “just about sex”. My self esteem went down so drastically that I was hospitalized twice for depression.
I stopped asking about sex, I stopped watching any tv shows or films that had sex or eluded to sex in any way. We separated for a short time in 2020. When we got back together, I told him I would never again initiate sex, but he was welcome to. He said I could initiate if I wanted to, but I told him that after so many years of being shamed, that I couldn’t. Before we separated, I was actually searching for someone to do a female circumcisition on me.
Since getting back together at the beginning of 2021, we’ve had sex 3 or 4 times. I love him so much, and I feel SO GUILTY for wanting sex. I’m 52, and he’s only the 3rd man I have ever had sex with. I just want my sex drive GONE. I’m already on antidepressants. I’m now old and ugly. God forbid anything happens to him, but if it did, I would NEVER EVER EVER have sex or masturbate again!
Ash
TN
I honestly thought I was the only one going through this! I’m so glad I’m not alone because my friends talk about their sex lives all the time, and I was sure starting to feel like this was not a common occurrence.
We are 25 & 26, been together for 2.5 years and are engaged. The first few months of our relationship was great, fantastic even, and I guess that set the bar really high. After about month 4/5 it literally just came to a dead halt. Like, a six month dry spell. I was so confused. I felt unwanted and undesirable in every way. I felt like the relationship was pretty much going to end then, but then he explained that his anxiety/depression and (mild) bipolar disorder can affect his sex drive. Okay, I was understanding, right?
Well here we are, 2 years later, and we still only have sex once every 2-4 months. MONTHS. I love him more than I’ve ever loved a partner and other than our lack of sexual intimacy, everything else is pretty great, and I can’t wait to spend my life with him. He tells me he loves me every day. He compliments me in some way every day. But my brain and sex drive still make me feel like I am undesirable to him. I don’t think this is ever going to change. Sure, we’ll start the foreplay but, more often than not, it just leads to another disappointment cause he’s not really in the mood.
He assures me we will have children one day (that was one of my biggest questions when we started having conversations about this) but right now he doesn’t want kids and also doesn’t feel the need to have sex because “we have an emotional connection, and we love each other so why do we need to have sex?” I’m not making fun of him. I just honestly don’t know how to explain it to him without sounding like a sex-crazed maniac. At this point, if we could reliably make love once a month I would be ecstatic. I don’t feel like I have that high of a sex drive. I didn’t think my expectation was set all that high.
I don’t know, but at this point I’m so done being hurt and disappointed and let down, I just want my sex drive to be gone. I don’t even want to masturbate anymore. I just don’t. I’m just done.
Tee
WASHINGTON, DC
I’m just so confused right now. I’m so extremely attracted to him, and I show him. He claims to feel the same but I don’t feel it. We talk about sex and have all these fantasies. He’s even bought toys, and they’ve sat unused for so long that the batteries went bad in them. We’re supposed to move in together but I’m worried that the constant rejection is gonna make me crazier and more depressed than I am already feeling. He says he watches porn everyday, and I thought it was cool cuz I did too, but I don’t know, maybe that’s the problem, *sigh* He has his moments but they’re so far in between. ? I’m 41. He’s 47. I don’t think things are gonna get better ?. When I say something he says it’s in my head. Otherwise he’s the best boyfriend in the entire universe. I treat him like a king. I’m so lost right now ????
John
Texas
Wow! I’m a 78 year old man and I wish I had a partner like you gals!!
Mary J
Grenada,miss.
I have the same problem. I want sex every day. I need to slow it down and somehow feel I need a break.
Mac
Missouri
I really thought I was a freak… he’s not interested at all. No matter how long I wait or retain myself, he’s still not. I tried masturbation but he doesn’t like that at all. He said if he doesn’t need it, I don’t. This makes me feel so awful and I don’t even want to have the feeling anymore because I can’t handle feeling this way. I want my sex drive gone!
Kiira
Helsinki, Finland
I thought I was some kind of a freak! Thank goodness I found this.
I’ve been in a couple of relationships, and in both I’ve been the one with the (significantly) higher sex drive. I think about sex every day and wonder when I’ll be lucky enough to have some the next time. To make matters worse, I have depression. I’ve been on a high dose of Venlafaxine for nearly two years and a number of others for years before that. I can only hope that it hasn’t had any effect on my libido, because I am hoping to get off the medication some day, and I don’t want this sex issue to get any worse.
Like some other men that I read about in the comments, my boyfriend says it’s not me that”s the problem, and that I’m pretty and sexy, and he can’t keep his hands off me. Unfortunately, he only likes to grope and kiss me, not to have sex with me. It’s difficult, because I can’t help getting hopeful every time he does that. Then I get disappointed.
Initiating anything or trying to talk about it only makes him stressed about it and he gets some sort of performance anxiety over it. He seems to think that sex has to be like in porn: fast, rough, swapping positions every couple of minutes and making me scream in ecstasy. I keep telling him that it doesn’t have to be like that, but he doesn’t believe me. I’ve no idea what else to do but try to reduce my own sex drive. Otherwise I will never recover from depression.
Chelsea
Buffalo ny
Hi Ladies-
Just wanted to add my two cents, in the hopes something I share may ring a bell and relieve some of your confusion.. I am under 30 and have always had a very high (healthy lol) sex drive.. I never thought I’d find someone to match it, until I started dating my current boyfriend a year ago.
At first, everything was AMAZING! He’d initiate with me all the time, let me initiate with him, seemed obsessed with exploring my body and always got off on pleasing me in every way, it never seemed like he was doing it just for my benefit, or like he “had to” satisfy me, he just genuinely wanted to!
Flash forward about 4/5 months into the relationship, and suddenly things changed.. we went from having sex or other types of sexual encounters a few times per day, to just once in the morning before work, the same position every morning… I immediately noticed the change, he no longer seemed interested in pleasing me for his benefit, he stopped initiating any time of day besides the same stale position every morning, and would no longer let me initiate with him at all either.
I thought this was all happening because I had stopped seeing my personal trainer and gained about 15 lbs, so of course I immediately felt horrible about myself like it was my physical state that was turning him off… NOPE! I found out he was watching porn CONSTANTLY! I’m talking multiple times a day at work, after work sitting in the bathroom for an hour, every time I left the room AT ALL he’d be looking up pictures and videos to watch even for 5 minutes while I’m gone.
We’d watched porn together as just a fun thing to do, but before I accidentally saw the download history on his phone, I’d had NO CLUE how often it was going on!! Now I realize that he may have an addiction that I’ve tried to talk about but that he will vehemently deny.
I tell him how hurt I am that he prefers watching porn in private however many times per day, when I am sitting on the couch very willing and able to do anything sexual he wants to do. It’s now at the point where I feel rejected every day many times, and he has done nothing to try to change. I am at a loss on whether I neee to leave the relationship to be with someone who actually wants me, and not someone who makes me compete wiTh porn every single day. I’m telling you, I will lose the competition every single time as porn makes changes to the brain that make you incapable of being satisfied by anything besides the porn you watch. So as long as he is still watching porn like it’s his job, I’ll be left feeling rejected and unwanted and especially unsatisfied. My point in writing this long Saga is that you ladies should figure out if your man is consuming porn in place of real life contact. Once they start , it IS a chore to have real life interactions.
It’s gotten to the point for me where I feel he doesn’t want help because he doesn’t realize the full magnitude of the problem and is still in denial. Find out for yourselves so you can at least know it isn’t his level of attraction to you, but instead an issue that’s putting a wall between you. And possibly give you hope that if he quits porn your relationship can totally transform back to when it was good, or if it was never satisfying enough, quitting porn will get you to that point.. without the constant stimulation of porn, there will be no choice but to desire you again . Best of luck! I am at my wits end currently . And try not to be so naive that you think “oh he’s not watching porn or id definitely know!!” My man does a GREAT job of hiding it 100% and acting totally normally at the same time! Beware …… and PS- I think porn can be totally fun and healthy in moderation, I am NOT a porn hater or vehemently against it, but some humans are incapable of limiting themselves, thus problems occur, but It’s not that way with EVERY single man. A lot of your stories just sounded like the same timeline/events of my relationship so I thought I’d share what the cause of these issues was in my personal experience. Best of luck ! UGH!
Lisa
NJ
You are so right.?
Jenn
Pennsylvania
Wow this has made it so I no longer feel alone….i never knew how many women are just like me….same situation too…started my relationship hit and heavy sometime 2 or 3 times a day to 1 time every 8 to 12 weeks…he says it’s him not me but really getting denied so much just hurts
Harley
NM
I sadly feel the same way. My marriage has been rocky but we are trying to fix it. But even before I would have to ask him to satisfy me and be more passionate and lively when it came to sex. When we make love, I go 110% and he’d Orgasm every time and tell me how amazing it was. But he doesn’t put that effort in for me. We don’t try anything different, he won’t go down on me, he won’t even put his fingers inside of me. I’m a sexual person and being sexual with the one I love confirms the love for me. But now I feel neglected of passion and it mentally and physically frustrates me. I even tell him that guys flirt with me constantly at work so that maybe that’ll be a wake up call that he needs to satisfy his wife but no… nothing. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like dampening my sex drive is taking that passionate part of me that I love to share with someone I love but idk if this marriage can go on without passion.
Jennifer
Everett, wa
I know how you feel. I know that my sex drive has damaged my relationships because I am very weak when it becomes too much. It’s hard for me to find guys that have the same sex drive. It makes me a very angry person sometimes. I hear all the time from my guy friends to just sleep around and get it out of my system. But that is not what I want to do. I have only been with one person and I’m 36 who has had a sex drive like mine. I don’t know what to do.
Emily
Omg! Me too. Me too! I don’t get it! I get attention all over the place but not from the one I want! He says it’s his diet- that makes him feel healthy. What’s healthy about no sex drive?!? It makes me feel ugly and undesired! What has happened? This role reversal?
Emily
I have been dying for months now thinking I was the only one that felt like this. I’ve never felt so okay with myself, and not alone in SO long. Thank you every one for sharing your thoughts and experiences, it is helping me
Becca
My drive is so much worse than my husband’s. I’m 25 and can barely survive on a once a week if I’m lucky. I want it every day. Not only that, I’m kinky and that part gets no attention. After four years of poor sex and nothing fixing it, I just want to kill my drive all together. I can’t take being strung along anymore.
Emy
Abu dhabi
Same situation here?
Emily
I get this in every way. I just want my sex drive completely gone
Chris
I’m a man and feel the same way. I do very self distructive things because of it.
Jennifer
Everett,wa
I know the feeling, I feel like I always have to hide who I really am and downplay my sex drive when I’m with guys. They are so boring. It’s driving me crazy, what is wrong with guys.
Janine
VIC
Wow I can’t believe how many women are all in the same boat. I have just gotten out of an 18 year relationship where I was eventually told that sex with me was ‘too much effort’. If I didn’t initiate sex, nothing happened. It really wears you down after a while.
We went 15 months without having sex at one stage, and then when I wanted a child I downloaded an app so I knew when to force him to touch me. Once I got pregnant we went 22 months without having sex.
That relationship has now ended, and I am in a new one now but I have booked in with a sex therapist to see what I can do to decrease my sex drive and be satisfied with medicore sex. If I had no sex drive I would be happy.
Maddie
CA
I seriously thought I was the only one experiencing this situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He went away a few months after dating, and we were in long distance relationship for 2 years. When he got back, sex was amazing. We could not keep our hands off each other. It felt so good knowing that he missed me and that he missed making love with me. We would make love 4 times a day. After I got pregnant, that’s when everything went downhill. My hormones were crazy when I was pregnant, and I always wanted to make love. I craved him, but he did not feel the same way that I did. I felt unattractive because he stopped making an effort to even do anything sexual. He always left me unsatisfied. I always feel like I’m begging for him. I feel like it got worse when I had the baby. We only make love once a month or once every two weeks. Sometimes, he would rather touch himself than touch me. He makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me whenever he rejects me. I don’t even want to sleep next to him anymore or live in the same house. I liked it better when he was far away from me because he made me feel so special all the time, but everything is different now. I don’t want to cheat on him just to satisfy my needs. I don’t think cheating on him with another man will satisfy me because he’s all I want. Things are different now. He has a low sex drive, and I have a high sex drive. I really don’t know how I’m going to survive this relationship. I still want to be with him, but the only way to keep myself sane is to lower my sex drive. I no longer want to keep my hopes up with this part of my relationship. It’s been dead, and I have a feeling that it will stay dead forever.
Michele
PA
I often have to go without for one to three months. It makes me feel so awful, and I find I have less patience and desire to care for my husband’s young child from a previous relationship. I feel like a maid, a nanny, a personal assistant, anything but a wife.
I’ve tried licorice but it doesn’t quiet my needs for months like I need it to. Looking for alternative anaphrodesiacs.
Thestruggleisreal
Canada
I’m not alone!!?? Sheesh! All my friends talk about their man being so handsy and horny all the time, and I just cry inside cause that’s all I want from my hubby! We’re together three years, married one and a half and have a newborn. Sex was going downhill before the pregnancy. Then I got pregnant, and he didn’t touch me for 9 months! Then plus healing time afterwards. It crushes me every day because I’m so insanely in love with him, and I’m a physical-touch-to-affirm-love, kind of girl. When he doesn’t touch me for weeks I feel so disgusting and hideous. I’m slim, and yes my body changed a bit since having a baby but I basically bounced right back.
I talk to him about it all the time, and he says he’s sorry; he does want it, etc., and then we have sex. But it feels like he only does because I once again brought it up. I forced myself not to initiate it until he did. 7 weeks! 7!!! That’s how long before he was into it. It was the best I’ve ever had but I don’t want to wait 7 weeks to have amazing sex when he’s finally interested! I’m home with the baby all day, I cry to myself during the day so I can hold it together when he’s home! But after being spit up on, cried at, changing diapers and all the other things that, I DO enjoy doing as a mother, I just want to crawl in bed at night and feel like a woman who’s needed, sexy AF and appreciated by her man. Not, crawl in, try my darnest to get his eyes off the game by rubbing up on him etc and then being told Im being silly, he’s tired and just wants to watch the game.
I’m tired, frustrated and broken with having to try so darn hard! I don’t need it every day or even every other, but certainly more than every other month.
I give up. But glad to know I’m not alone.
Anon
I’m pretty much in the same boat. My wife and I (both female). She had a child from a previous marriage. We were together for about a year before we got married. When we were dating we would have sex several times a day… now it’s like I’m lucky if it happens once every like 6 months. I admit I married her because she made me feel like I was the sexiest thing in the world. She couldn’t keep her hands off… now I feel like a nag about it… I feel like I’m just there to take care of the kid, work, and nothing else… she says she wants to change but it doesn’t. I don’t want her to feel pressured into it. So I just lay there every night and cry myself to sleep while she snores away and ignores me. She knew of my insecurities before we got married…. now I feel as if she couldn’t care less about whether I’m happy or not. I’m just… here…
Sharon
Washington, DC
I too have this problem my drive is much higher and he has delayed ejaculation. I do think porn use and solo masturbation are driving a lot of this. I am willing to bet that most of the men turning down sex are still pleasuring themselves most likely to porn. A man with legit low sex drive due to meds etc would not be doing that. Porn is something a normal woman can’t recreate and many men can’t get turned on enough due to conditioning themselves to only feel pleasure from the high dopamine flow of porn. They also often get accustomed to their hand which sex can’t mimic. They may also have had ED issues in the past from using porn and so avoiding sex is easier for them. This is a huge problem if you google it. I think the other thing is that women have always wanted sex as much as men did they were just socialized not to express that. So now you have women asking for more when in the past they would have kept quiet. Finally there is age. My partner is in his late 40s and I in my late 30s and our drives do not match up at all!
Leah
I’m glad I’m not alone here. I feel so ugly and unwanted. We’ve been married less then 2 years and our several times a week sex had diminished to every 2 weeks. Now its been 5 weeks without it.
I’ve talked to him about it several times and sometimes he makes an effort but its like sex with me is a chore now. 1. Take out garbage 2. Laundry 3. Give wife some, etc. He’s always too tired or his back hurts. (We are both in our early 40s) He refuses to see a dr. When we do it, he loves it, so not sure why its such a chore. I’m very fit and look the same as we got married but I dont think he is attracted to me. I have asked him if he is gay but he insists he’s not. What kills me is I see him checking out other, more voluptuous women. I’m sure he is not cheating plus he is completely computer and smart phone illiterate so I dont suspect porn. I used to beg him, have discussions, cry to him. Now I gave up. He loves to cuddle but I’m starting to pull away from that, and I dont even kiss him anymore. He wont go south cause he thinks its gross (I’m clean, shower 2x day). After that I refused to go south for him. I feel dirty and gross. When we do it its only with the lights out (so he cant see me?) I love him and need him but tired of this rejection. It’s physically painful to feel so randy. ..though I do “take care of myself”, but I hide that from him.
I’ve talked to him about this and things only change for a bit and they go back to the same. My female coworkers complain that their husbands want it daily and I just laugh but inside feel so sad. I know its him that has the problem and I know he loves me deeply so I dont know what to do I have no one to talk to cause that is too personal to share with people who know him.
I dont believe in divorce except for infidelity, sometimes I’d wish he’d cheat so I could leave. I’ll never cheat though this is tempting me. At the same time I love him and want to stay with him through thick and thin. I looked into ways to diminish my sex drive since he wont do anything about his and is perfectly content with his low energy life. All his energy goes to his job and he gives 100% to it and he has nothing left. I have asked him to take time off or cut back on days or hours and he wont. Is that to keep me at a distance?
All I want is some nookie a couple times a week and I’ll be happy. I’m not sure what to do. I’m glad I’m not alone, I always figured most men want it and would be happy with a woman who wants it often. I honestly cant believe this is my life and this is how its gonna be.
Ella
I have met many women with this problem. The question is: What is the problem? Is it that women want sex or the fact that men want it less??? In my opinion, it’s the men. Why do women have to blame themselves for everything? I think it’s the men who need to catch up and do something about it.
But the world doesn’t make it easier for them. In fact, our consumer culture and the media make our sex lives miserable. We live in a time of rapid evolution of our sexual culture, for better or worse. Men are bombarded with images of the most beautiful women. These women in addition to being beautiful (selected from hundreds if not thousands of models) are being photoshopped. Men become familiar with beauty and have a distorted and rigorous view of how the ideal female body should look like.
And then there are oceans of porn. A normal average looking woman can’t possibly compete with this ideal. Imagine a man a hundred years ago. What could a man compare his girlfriend’s naked wife to? Only another naked woman – and there were almost no occasions to get such a view. Yes, there was pornography in the nineteenth century – but unlike today, it was a rarity.
Another thing that can add to this problem is the false belief – frequently seen in movies, that when a woman takes sexual initiative, the man will be instantly turned on. From my own experience and my female friends who have tried this – nothing turns a man off more than a woman initiating sex in a confident or pushy way.
In fact, it takes more time and complex seduction to turn a man on than it takes to get a woman into bed. I’m serious. In movies, women get naked or half naked and the men instantly storm them, because it looks good on the screen – that’s all. TV had been ruining our everyday lives in many ways, but this by far is the most painful of them, as it touches the most intimate and crucial area of our life.
Finally – the sexual life peak theory. This has been proposed by Alfred Kinsey and received strong criticism, and some have conducted studies which have provided data that disproves it, BUT, I personally find this theory consistent with my own observations. I’m talking about my own experiences and the experiences of my female friends.
According to this theory, the peak of sexual activity, the ability and readiness to have satisfying sex is different for each gender. According to Kinsey, men reach their peak in their mid-twenties and from then on, their libido slowly decreases, whereas women reach their peak in their mid thirties to forties.
This, he explains is caused by the fact that women need more time to learn about their own needs and how their bodies work, or more importantly how to orgasm quickly and efficiently. Women with age also overcome their insecurites, learn to experiment and state their needs more openly.
In the case of males, the issue is more straightforward and “hydraulic” in nature, and related to testosterone levels which have an age dependant curve of production. I personally believe that if a man doesn’t want to have sex, he’s having sex with someone else. But that’s just me.
Alex
Arizona
I am 22, my boyfriend is 21. We’ve been together for 3 years. I have a very very high sex drive and I physically need him 24’7, but he always says that he is tired or that he has to work the next day OR he tells me that I am only allowed to have one round of sex. I feel like a dog.
The first few weeks of our relationship, he was able to do 3 rounds in a row… Then it turned into having sex only once everyday… and then this last year, we’ve been only having sex once every other week.
Since he makes me wait so long and doesn’t initiate anything sexual or romantic… I have now been holding sex back from him. A week went by and THEN he finally came over and tried to grind against me while I was trying to fall asleep BUT he didn’t do anything that week for me that would make me feel like I was his or that he wanted me… He just completely disappeared (since I didn’t initiate anything) and then he decides that “oh he is ready to have sex now”… as if … He tells me that he doesn’t want anyone else when I offered that we have an open relationship…
I’ve brought a girl for him so we could do a three sum but he wasn’t into it… I’ve tried to spice things up for him but he only likes vanilla… He is just not on the same boat as me sexually. SO NOW it has been 2 weeks without sex and I already feel like I am going to melt and die (I can’t masturbate, I hate fingers and plastic toys).
I am trying to completely cut off my high sex drive so I don’t feel so physically neglected and empty. I want to be able to function normally without having it on my mind!! I don’t want to feel like a thirsty horn dog that will take scraps… I don’t want to be that way with anyone. I’d like to have self control, but it’s hard when my entire body aches for it. I just need to get rid of it completely.
Kandra
Kansas
I’m relieved to see I’m not the only one in this situation. I have a very high sex drive. I have since the first relarionship I had. I told my husband this before we got married 2 months ago. The fire is already burning out. I’m so frustrated! I think about it every day at least few times a day.
I’m 40 and attractive. He is 39 and I’m very attracted to him. But with him turning me down so much it makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. We do have sex 2 to 3 times a week now but that’s me really pushing for it most of the time. It is amazing when we do!!! But by the time I plead for it and get it… it’s like a job interview.
We should still be in our honeymoon phase. I’m sure it’s going to get worse soon. I don’t believe in cheating but I know me….I need intimacy!! So I need to slow down my sex drive before I lose my mind.. NO I won’t get castrated. I already had hysterectomy due to cancer.
That still did not slow down my sex drive. ANY ADVICE that really works would be appreciated.
Cid
UK
Mine is a long story, I`m very much a male pensioner. From finding my first long term girl friend at a swimming baths at the age of 20yrs, sex with her was perfect. At any chance and time would last for hours given the circumstances. Sometimes so long, she found it difficult to walk the following day. This was ruined after a few yrs buy a very jealous mother and that was that. I`ve now been married to a lady for well over 50 yrs, with family. Sex has always been as good but over the last 5 yrs she just can`t, nothing in her body works. My issue is, ranging visions of a beautiful woman`s body. It`s just a fantasy, but so vivid. Not sure if other guys have this issue ?
Michelle
Chicago
I am a 54 y/o married female who has started a physical affair with a 30 y/o who approached me. The sex is divine and oh so satisfying. I was masturbating every day while DH was having issues. I can’t seem to stop thinking about sex. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I don’t want it to stop.
Andrea
MICHELLE, GOOD FO YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLENTY of men out there, you just have to let them know you are interested !!!!!
Shay
Pennsylvania
My husband makes me feel so bad about wanting sex… I literally count the weeks in between the times we have sex. I can’t even mention being aroused or anything without him making a slick comment that makes me feel low… He doesn’t pick up on hints that i’m in the mood or anything and if i come right out and ask he just says no but when i cry he gets upset as if i’m wrong for feeling undesired and says he doesn’t know whats wrong… I cant take the rejection its very painful… i mean we’ve know each other since we were teenagers but now that we’re married it seems like everything has come to a halt… I don’t know what to do and i don’t want to hurt my husband or his ego.. I don’t know how to stop my urges…
Nicky
US
I am legit crying my eyes out because I thought I was alone, I have been with my boyfriend “officially” for 6 months but before we started dating we had slept together for a year. That year, the sex was amazing, it was almost everyday and it was just great! Then we started dating and something shifted.
He began to tell me he just isn’t too concerned with sex in a relationship and I’m lucky if I get anything at least twice a month. I always initiate it and every time I feel bad because I think he doesn’t want it.
He loves me and I can definitely tell but I am an incredibly sexual female and it honestly becomes physcially painful when I want sex so bad and he just isn’t in the mood.
I dont know what to do anymore I am about to move in with him and I don’t want to end up miserable. Anyone have any tips on what I can do because I love him to much to let thid be what ruins it all…
Carol
New York
Nicky, there is nothing wrong with you. You deserve better. Don’t look back with regret. Run, don’t walk out the door! There is a man out there who will appreciate you.
Troy
England
I cannot believe there are women out there with this problem. I have been with my wife over 20 years. And our sex life has always been non-existent. The last 10 years, we have had sex less than 20 times. I have a high sex drive and masturbate every day. I have given up trying to initiate having sex, I feel rejected and frustrated all the time, spending hours at night lying awake with a constant erection.
If I was single, I could watch porn, masturbate and go back to sleep. But with my wife lying next to me naked and warm and being so close I can smell her womanly smell, I just want to make love to her so much it hurts. I feel I am stuck in this situation, I don’t want to go behind her back and cheat even though I have thought about it.
I have suggested we see a counselor or therapist, but she has no problem with me getting no satisfaction she won’t even kiss and cuddle because she says I’ll get the wrong idea and then want sex. The moral thing to do in society is to ask for a divorce and move on and then I can see whoever I like. But we have a 9 year old child, so I would never do that. So, I will carry on masturbating in secret, to porn for the rest of my life. I am only 43, I bet there are pensioners getting more than me.
Sus
England
I am the gender reverse to Troy, England. so, I am a woman living without sex. It is difficult with children involved and it is this that keeps people together. I agree that being single would open up a whole new life. I am glad to have found this forum to realise that I am not alone in feeling frustrated and that it is nothing to feel ashamed about
Jane
Only been married two years… haven’t had sex in six months… and we have separate bedrooms… I just want out at this point but not sure how
Old
Indiana
I say to all of you who feel undesirable and rejected: it’s not you! If intimacy is important to you, get out of that relationship now! I am 57 and have been married to a man for 30 years now who has never been interested in sex (or maybe just with me). He told me everything… I was weird to want so much sex or that he just couldn’t right now… I am a nice looking woman with a very high sex drive. You say you want something to Jill your sex drive. Depression will kill it. I lived In a depression for 15 years and I am now waking up out of that and my life is over. How would I start over now and who would want me? Get out now and don’t allow another man to make you feel like something is wrong with you!
Andrea
WISE WORDS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alex
Unfortunately, depression doesn’t kill my sex drive. :^(
Helen
I’m 20 and so is my boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years. Our relationship is in a good place but what’s not in a good place is our sex life. Once upon a time he couldn’t keep his hands off me and now he barley notices me. I can walk out naked and he wouldn’t give me a second look. As of right now it’s maybe once a week or two weeks, other than that he ignores/pushes me away. He makes me feel like I’m weird for wanting to have sex. Compared to everyone else posting, once a week isn’t bad but when does it stop? Are we just going to go back to normal or will it start to be once every 6 weeks
Kat
sing
I sympathise n consoled that i am not alone. No one can beat my record though so consider yourselves lucky. Been married 21yrs. Will make love a few times every 2-3 yrs. But it got so pathetic for the past 5 yrs NOTHING…it makes me feel so unwanted n cheap.
Heather
Virginia
What do you do if you’re a 43 year old woman that hasn’t had sex with her boyfriend in 7 months? He’s 37 and I know he loves me. He shows it in alot of other ways, but he doesn’t desire sex at all. 7 months ago he did. How can I kill the desire in myself for wanting it so badly, when he’s never in the mood. He has even said to me: Just because I don’t have sex with you doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
Lyn
Canada
Wow….I thought I was the only one….I’m a 63 year old woman with the sex drive of a teenager. I like sex at least once a day. Preferably at night. I sleep so well afterwards. My partner and I have been together 18 months. We used to have sex 2 or 3 times a day….every day….until he moved in with me a year ago. Now it’s turned into a constant argument. I just want a pill to make it stop. Our life would be great if it weren’t for my sex drive.
eve
qld
Hi, I honestly can’t remember the last time my husband touched me. Has to be over 7 months now. I have got to the point I am looking up Oophorectomy and being chemically castrated even having thoughts of female circumcision.
So sick and tired of feeling undesirable & unwanted
Andrea
Having yourself castrated WILL end your urges for sex BUT isn’t that a bit drastic?? Other men would love to give you sex !!!
Kalli
New South Wales
Before I met my boyfriend I had many encounters with lovers, but being younger (Between 17 and 18) I had never had sex. When I met my partner we tried once or twice, but he could never keep an erection and just had no interest in sex. A year and a half down the track we went to a doctor and realized that he has a tumour in his pituitary gland (which regulates hormones). He has a lesion that produces prolactin and has a very, very low Testosterone level. He has been medicated for a month now, but after almost two years with him and no sex I’m starting to go crazy. I am so glad to know there are other people like me who suffer the same problems. I can only hope we all end up being looked after by our men in the future.
Emily
I have been with my boyfriend going on 3 years. Within the past year he has completely just given up on sex. I try to start things up only for it to end in rejection. He wonders why I act so weird or like I’m broken, it kills me every time my hands are pushed away or he’ll say go “help” yourself out. We used to not be able to get enough of each other and it’s only getting worse.
I feel so uncomfortable and undesirable. To the point of almost a depression and I just can’t stand it anymore. We are 20 years old and it’s just beating down. I go out of my way go to bed with nothing on wear my best most sexy pair of underwear and nothing. I try and he will actually push me away and say no. I’m just to my end with it and need some sort of way to make myself from always being turned on
Brandy
South carolina
Oh my, I’m so relieved…not being alone is kinda a good feeling. I’ve been thinking, if I could go get the female castration then we’d be ok again. I’m tired of feeling weird for wanting sex. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of the whole thing. It has successfully killed my confidence.
Andrea
Brandy, getting yourself castrated to end your sex drive absolutely works BUT why rid yourself of one of lifes pleasures? Your husband cannot take care of your needs then other men would jump at the chance ! I have friends who had hysterectomies in which the ovaries were removed and their sex drives declined and in 6 months they had absolutely none , and it will never return ! You were built for sex, don’t get rid of your ovaries, get rid of the man !!
Carol
New York
Emily, I’ll give you the same advice I gave to Nicky…there is nothing wrong with you. You deserve better. Don’t look back with regret. Run, don’t walk out the door! There is a man out there who will appreciate you. You are too young to live like this. I know you love him, but once you are free you will find love again.
Tiffany
Maine
I’m a 35 year old female. My husband is 47. We’ve been married for a little under a year. In the beginning we had great sex all the time. Now, although we still have fantastic sex we only do it 2 or 3 times a month. I want it way more. I would never consider cheating but I’m just not satisfied, and I sometimes feel like there’s something wrong with me
Jen
Tennessee
I am a 41 year old female that has a 42 year old husband. Sex has always been initiated by my husband and I have welcomed it (for the most part). We have never had a problem with sex. In fact, just the sight of me in my underwear, or changing, or sometimes just working in the kitchen, my husband would become turned on and initiate sex.
A couple of months ago, I started having increased sexual desires and have been rejected pretty much for every one of the advances. He no longer seems interested in sex at all. He has his nose in his phone and I can’t seem to do anything to catch his eye any more. I tried sexy lingerie, purposely undressing in front of him, walking around the house scantily dressed. I have tried to talk to him about it and he says nothing is going on and that the more I try the less he wants it.
I feel completely rejected, unattractive, and fighting thoughts that he is turning to porn instead of me. I have never had this much desire to have sex and it’s driving me crazy that I can’t have it. Reading the stories make me feel better somewhat, but I am desperately searching on how we can return to the “good ole days” or if I need to brace the reality that he just doesn’t have the desire to have sex any longer. Help!
Fiona
Scotland
I have been with my boyfriend a short time (7 months), and at the beginning he thought he wasn’t living up to it in the bedroom until he spoke to me. Then things were great. Now again he just doesn’t want it as often as I do but I think this may be due to a conversation we had abut babies and what would happen if I got pregnant “by accident.” If something is on your mind it can really bother you, and I think this is why there is a change. But it is so difficult to talk about!!!
I dont want to make him feel worse by going on about it. In a way I’m glad I’m not the only one but I do feel for you all. It’s a bloody nightmare loving a man who would rather do what seems like anything else than rip ypur clothes off! ?
Marcia
NC
I was so happy to come across this forum. I almost started crying when I read so many familiar situations and feelings. Just knowing that I am not alone is so comforting. My husband & I have been together 9 years. For the first 2 years, we had wonderful, amazing sex almost daily. Now, it’s a few times a month.
I have changed from a very sexually confident person to someone who now questions everything about my desirability. I go from resentment to self loathing to just plain sad. No matter how many times my husband assures me that he does still find me attractive, deep down I don’t, I can’t believe him.
Other than our sex life, we have a wonderful, fulfilling, affectionate and loving relationship. I am going to order some spearmint tea to see if that helps . Has anyone else had success with this?
Monica
East Coast USA
My situation is so similar to yours. I am really glad to have read these posts and realize I’m not the only one that used to feel sexy, but now feels stupid because I want to be with my partner,and he’s not interested. I have developed jealousy feelings (including rejection, hurt, frustration) which is not like me. It really sucks when you love someone so much, and sex is an intimate thing to share together expressing that. When not having a similar sex drive a part of our perfect relationship is lacking. It makes me vulnerable and beg for more of his attention. I understand questioning if he really loves me or not. Good luck to you. I hope you two can somehow have a mutual contentment .
Ann
Many women have this same situation. Do not spend the rest of your life celebate! Plenty of males who would help with these problems. You were not intended to be without sex!
Andrea
ANN, wifes need to know that they have options, there are plenty of men who would be descrete and would be delighted to help. Let men know straight out that you are available. Make sure they understand that they should keep it descrete ! I have 5 different men whom I can call on when I need a session. Its called “Friends with benefits”. My husband pays absolutely no attention to me, even though most men are thrilled to just talk with me! I still look nice in shorts and keep slim so it is easy to make friends, some very close friends. My advice is to make yourself as attractive as possible and then carefully make friends with guys you find desireable.
Janice
Ontario
So… Many ladies share my frustration but I need a solution besides drinking peppermint tea because there isn’t much else.
I ain’t drinking no tea just to make the issue go away so why can’t they go drink some tea and increase their libido?!
This is like the ultimate bait and switch from great sex to next to nill real quick!
Sigh …..
Chrissy
CA - California
I am a recently married, middle aged woman. Before I married my husband, we did NOT have sex. I stressed to him NUMEROUS times over the year we dated that I have an extremely high sex drive and that I would want sex on a daily basis when we were married. In response, he assured me NUMEROUS times that his sex drive matches mine and that his actually surpasses mine.
Well, that is far from true. Beginning on our honeymoon, I was shown that this was untrue. The honeymoon is thee time when a husband and wife get to REALLY experience each other sexually. Out of seven days on our honeymoon, we probably had sex 4 times.
Things have quickly gone downhill from there. We have not had sex in two weeks now, but when we do it is because I am initiating EVERY time. I feel unsexy, unwanted, and even though he says he loves me, I feel unloved. I feel lied to and duped.
I have talked to him about this, but I am getting no where and I feel like I am wasting my breath which makes me resent him. I am now just trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life basically sex less. I’m looking into surgeries and chemicals to reduce or completely kill my sex drive. I’m sorry I’m not the only one going through some degree of this problem. However, I’m grateful that there are others from whom I can get support/ideas. Thank you all…
Marie
home
Your article helped some. I am a 63 year old woman. I live with a very desirable 71 year old man. We are so very happy. He is loving to me. I am to him. We have lived together a short time. Not quite 3 months. Have not had sex. He can’t remain hard to enter. I realize I am 63. A grandma. I am sometimes so very depressed, because I am beginning to realize that at my age- my desire to actually have my man’s penis enter me – is just dumb. He is so desirable in and out of clothes. It just isn’t fair. I so desire him, yet I know at my age, it’s just dumb. I need medical help to stop all desire for sex.
SJB
Keswick
My partner and I have been physically but not sexually intimate for almost 8 months. I am 72 and he is 65. We are both physically and mentally attractive and enjoyed sexual intimacy regularly for the first 7 months of our relationship.
That seems to be a theme in this thread. I do notice that the majority of the contributors are decades younger than we, and that is pretty sad.
My desire for him is unabated, and he tells me he is sexually attracted to me, but his actions belie his words. We continue to be physically engaged, but his sexual desire has abated, and as others on this thread have noted, our relationship has devolved to ‘housemates who comfortably share a bed’. He tells me that this is due to the stress of transitioning from work to retirement, and from living separately to living together and melding our two mature households. He asks for patience, and assures me that the situation will improve.
He patiently enjoys, even basks in, physical attention from me, but no longer reciprocates. Of course, I no longer feel like giving him pleasure and receiving sexual frustration in return. I know that I am attractive and have confidence in myself.
Bottom line … he is working keenly to make a home for us together and I am certain of his deep love for me. Currently he is a great ‘husband’ but a lousy ‘boyfriend’.
I have no interest in losing or lessening my sexual desire – I would like it to be fulfilled on a regular basis.
I am willing to take him at his word and wait … to a point.
PS: yes, I have wrinkles – all one has to do to get those is live long enough.
Tamara
CO
I’ve had the same problem in my marriage. My husband doesn’t desire me and won’t open up about what’s going on. I feel so broken-hearted and unwanted. One day while on his phone, a porn site came up. This prompted me to check his search history. It all makes sense now. He’s turning to porn instead of me. I feel like he’s cheating on me in a sense.
Lucy
Rainham kent
I am in the same situation as the other women in this forum I have been married for 25 years in the beginning sex was fantastic and the first few years improved and got better as we got to know each other. I now have not had sex for 61 days and it has come to the problem of I drink vodka every night to knock me out and can get to sleep but can’t stay asleep so I wake up with sexual desires again my husband has constantly regected me and have always felt undesirable and unattractive I have asked begged and made jokes but nothing works I would like to sleep and not wake constantly wanting sex I don’t know if he has problems physically now
Marie
I am so glad to know I am not alone. At my age when I look in the mirror I see more wrinkles. Yet know I’m not that bad looking. I’m 63, with a desire for my man to REALLY just ONCE! put himself inside me. He won’t take Viagra. Is it perverted for me to use a vibrator? I have, then I feel like I’m cheating on him.
Lynn
TENNESSEE
I use a vibrator. What other choice do we have other than cheating? I am 51, my husband 67. I knew from the beginning that my husband would not be able to have sex. He has had 2 heart attacks and an arrythemia attack. I told myself if I wanted to have sex I could do that anytime. I wanted love and stability. That’s what I got. So there is no other option for me.
Emily
United Kingdom
Reading other’s comments on this makes me feel a whole lot better as I draw comfort from knowing I’m not the only one going through this.
I love my boyfriend dearly. We have a great relationship. Always laughing together and having lots of fun?
I’ve been married before to a man who didn’t understand me. He wanted sex all the time and I didn’t enjoy it. There was no love between us. Meeting my boyfriend and falling in love for the first time changed how I felt about sex. It was no longer cold and harsh, but beautiful and gentle. In the beginning sex was often. Sometimes with him tearing my clothes off at the door when I got to his, but now its no longer like that. We still have sex now and then and it’s always wonderful, but I feel he is doing it for me than for us. It’s as if he no longer desires me in that way and can sometime feel more like a loving friendship than a relationship.
We have kisses and cuddles in bed and we talk for hours together about anything and everything, but I’m finding this tough to deal with and often it can make me feel bad about myself. But what can I do?? He is my ideal man. Wonderful and honest. So I guess I need to learn how to live without sex, because I definitely couldn’t live without him.
Marie
I feel better already! not hurting now! need feed-back about using a vibrator. Am I cheating on him? I told him about the vibrator. His words saying he’s ok with it didn’t match his facial expressions.
Becca
Marie, you are not cheating on him if you pleasure yourself and you are not perverted!!! I am married to a low sexdrive hubby and often our sex is me using a vibrator while he snuggles and kisses me. I still want penetration and we do that sometimes too (wanting that is not stupid at all, it’s natural) but it is intimate so I’ve accepted it. Please make sure that you’ve told your husband what you need and want. You deserve pleasure! If he is mature and caring I think you’ll reach a compromise. Good luck!!
Vanessa
Illinois
I feel exactly the same way. My partner of almost 4 years and I just had another argument about sex. I’m always looking for good opportunities to have sex because we have 3 kids, and we work a lot, and it’s hard to always find time. But I came home from work while it was his day off, and he decided to play video games for hours. Two of our kids were not home, and I just figured he would want to do something before they got home. Of course he couldn’t take the hint. We have sex probably twice a week or every 3 days but its not for too long. The sex is amazing when we do it but he makes me feel crazy for wanting it often (ideally for me) every other day would be nice. After two or three days I get very very frustrated and grouchy. Is my sex drive too high? I feel like it’s out of control because I feel aroused ALL the time. I am 31. He says sex is not as important as I make it to be and that we have 3 kids, and most couples don’t have time, and that 2 to 3 times a week is plenty. Feel horrible when my hormones are going crazy. It’s the worst feeling ever when you can’t do anything about it. Need help/advice
Margaret
Georgia
Several thoughts occur to me: Is he Gay but still feels that a “heterosexual relationship” is his idea of the ideal relationship? Is he on a medication (s) that suppresses the libido? Is he having an affair?
Heather
North Carolina
I am so glad I found this. I have been with my boyfriend for five years now. For the first three years we were highly sexually active then one day it just seemed to stop. It went from having sex four times a week to once everyone two to three months.
I keep begging him and asked him for sex. We are in our mid twenties. Of what I’ve heard from other women “the sexual prime time”. But I constantly get rejected.
I feel like I’m some kind of freak. Someone he doesn’t want anymore. Someone he has no desires for like he used to. Like he doesn’t even care about my sexual needs. It feels like he’s trying to push me away.
I get so depressed that I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror cause I feel so unwanted. There are days that my depression is so bad that I lash at him for not giving me the sexual pleasures I need. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. That I’ve become troublesome to be with anymore.
When he finally gives me sex it feels wonderful. But when we’re done I always ask myself “Did he just do that to try to shut me up because of how troublesome I’ve been?”
I need drastic help before my relationship ends because of this. And I don’t want it to. I cry myself to sleep most nights because I want to keep this sexual desire but at the same time make it all go away.
Brittany
New Jersey
Hey heather! I know how you feel with the barely having sex part and your partner making you feel crazy for wanting it all the time. Just curious if you found out a solution to help you with what is going on. Also wanted some advice on something. I feel I’m being selfish because I want to have sex all the time but only with my boyfriend. The only problem is he is in his late 30s and I’m in my late 20s. He’s had back problems before and suffers from depression so he says he doesn’t think about sex like he used to and doesn’t feel the desire as much because of his medication. I just can’t help but think that he’s just not attracted to me anymore like he used to be and feel selfish for wanting it all the time when his back hurts or isn’t feeling good. Only thing is half the time I feel like he is only telling me those things so he doesn’t have to have sex with me.
alxzba
NC
would like to receive future comments from readers
Not alone
Uk
I’m so glad I came across this! I have been with my husband since I was 15 and I have always been a very passionate and sexual person, at first he thought this was great. Back then we would do anything to steal 5 minutes together and couldn’t keep our hands of each other but by the time moved in that was pretty much all gone. He was constantly turning me down and once even told me that he only ever had sex with me to shut me up. We split up briefly but the temporary boost that came when we got back together was short lived. He understandably claimed the lack of sex drive was due to living with my parents and then flat mates, but when we bought our own home things still didn’t improve. He then claimed that me being on the pill was a turn off as we were considering starting a family, but when I eventually came of the pill he said he was then to scared to have sex incase I got pregnant (which was our plan). I know he must have some sort of sex drive because I constantly find links to porn if I ever borrow his phone to Google something and when we talk he claims he would be happy with sex twice a week (I’m lucky if we have sex twice a month) but he’s never interested. I’ve lost all confidence in approaching him for sex and have taken to buying batteries instead.
The worst part is that this guy is the most caring and considerate guy I have ever know, he is the perfect partner except for his lack of sex drive! Rant over!
Jean
I am a 59 year old woman who has been celibate for 20 years now. At the time I had just broken up with the best lover and friend (male) I ever had. He betrayed my trust, and that put me into the asexual category for 20 years until a few months ago when I thought I only had 5 years to live. I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure stage C. Then a month later after drug treatments my doctor thinks I may have actually had broken heart syndrome as my heart is almost back to normal function! Broken heart syndrome = The heart changes shape and goes whacko then returns to normal. I am taking all kinds of BP and water pills and antidepressants but regardless of what all the medical books say my libido is up and running better than before!
It is good I have lots of self control or I would have been prowling the streets. I have always, since I was 5, had an active libido. Always had lots of sex with one partner at a time. Yes multiple orgasms are real and wow! Always experimented. Sex was openly-discussed and laughed about in my home growing up. I was molested twice but was able to tell my parents. I have issues with addictions. I have quit many addictions but sex was the last remaining one and will be the toughest to end. I quit 40 years of smoking and changed my eating to fresh and raw for my health. Now I am left with this dilemma. Life is a constant challenge, and I got a second chance to live it.
KK
LA.
I’m was with the same man for 36 years. I am 58 years old and in a fairly new relationship and realize that we are still in the exploration phase, but, I believe that my extremely hypersexual libido is beginning to become a problem for our relationship. Any suggestions or advice would be welcomed.
We are completely open and discuss everything. Our sexual encounters have resulted in many “firsts” for me! I’m sure this only heightens my desires. He is willing to do anything it
takes to satisfy me and we have done things neither of us have done before.
With all that being said, during our talks, he has stated that we can’t keep up this pace everyday because, after all he does have to work and we are only getting between 4 and 6 hours sleep daily because of this. He has jokingly asked me if I think I might be a nympho? He most recently stated that we should limit things to either morning or night/not both, but he is concerned about leaving me unsatisfied?
I’ve never experienced this level of desire before in a relationship. We joke about this wearing off, but, my libido, has increased exponentially over the last month or two with no slowing in sight. I believe sometimes he is a little reluctant to initiate things that will get me “started” for fear of the length of time the sexploration will continue.
I may be wrong, but, I don’t find that keeping it soft and slow until O reduces my desire any differently than hard and fast though I think he believes it intensifies my want for more.
I am a fairly intelligent woman and realize that 10 to 30 orgasms a day is probably not normal.
I have been told that I am very orgasmic, very hypersexual with giving as well as receiving (both resulting in my pleasure), and humping even in my sleep even after hours of sex prior to slumber
I love this man and don’t want to damage this relationship, don’t want to become asexual or be a nympho. PLEASE ADVISE!!!
Jamal
California
This is really eye opening to even hear women with high libidos, let alone suffering from it.
Corrina
Edmonton, AB
I thought i was alone with this problem. I am a 51 year old woman with a very high sex drive. I am married since aug of this year. My husband an i have been together for three years and I knew his sex drive was low and he knew my sex is very high. I am the initiator 100 % of the time and am turn down cold more often then not. What I dont understand is how he can be so hard its crazy and he can get up and go to work no problem while I’m practically squirming.My husband and I have an amazing relationship, our arguments all stem from the sex problem. I feel very undesirable, unsexy, and he makes me feel like I am a dirty old woman. I am not sure what to do anymore, I love my husband very much but something has got to give.
Priscilla
Singapore
Hi all, I’m still early 20’s but I experienced quite a lot. I made a bad decision last time. I moved in with my bf (ex-bf now. Thank God)
I always tried so hard to get his attention. No matter what I wear, what I did, even I beg for sex, he always said that he is tired. I feel so insecure because of that. I feel not attractive enough, I feel not sexy, it just crushed me. And after 1 year plus. I have decided to break up with him. Cause I realized that its not healthy at all for me. And I want to be happy. So I broke up with him. He was so angry cause he didn’t feel that anything is wrong with our relationship.
After 7 months single, I found my current bf. He just makes me happy, he is funny, I love his personality, his humour, his look, and he is just so honest about everything. He is not the romantic kind of person who buys me flowers and flatters me all the time. But his action is just breathtaking. I just want to let you all know. That everyone of us deserve to be happy and doesn’t deserve to feel unwanted. We shouldn’t beg for sex. Cause if he loves you, he will be happy to do it. You can request for it sometimes, but he must do it without the feeling that he is obligated to do it. If you are married, I think you should talk to him about it. Or go to a couple’s teraphy. Cause I believe that sex is really important for a happy life. Cheers!
sarah
I thought I was alone and despite the rejections almost every night he makes me feel like I’m a freak
Why should I have to argue or discuss why I want him and need him and just doesn’t get it he just doesn’t feel like it Hurst so much the pain is crucial and feel ugly and gross I can’t take it anymore
CJ
Canada
After being out of a relationship for about 7 years, I have finally met an awesome guy in which I really want to be with. I am not into casual sex, and problems with my sex drive had not been an issue when celibate. But now that I am with someone I really like, my sex drive has taken over in a big way (my last relationship was like that too). Problem is this relationship is new and having a high sex drive is interfering with it. In fact, it may put an end to it. My partner has asked me to slow down, stating it is “overwhelming”. I think he understands that I am struggling with it, and that I would desperately like to suppress it in order to give this relationship a fair chance. I am going to speak with my doctor, and start drinking spearmint tea (read somewhere 2 cups a day may work). I thought about chasteberry, but heard it only works on reducing men’s libido.
Maris
Lacey, WA
I am incredibly young (early twenties) and my husband and I have been together since we were seventeen. You would think since we are so young and early in our marriage (year and a half) that the sex would be frequent and enjoyable.
I feel silly, especially after reading some of the comments, but we have sex maybe once a week and I practically have to beg for it. And whenever it is we have sex it’s short and only satisfy in the sense of it gets the jobs done but isn’t toe curling.
I absolutely hate having to ask for it all the time and only to still have him find some way out of it.
Sara
Seattle, WA
I’ve suffered from having higher sex drive than most of my partners all my life. It makes me crazy to see the media portrayal of sex-crazed men. I think it’s a sop to male ego to think of themselves as always wanting and being ready for sex. Not only me, but most of the women I know want sex more than our partners. Now that I’m over 60, I know of a lot of couples who just don’t have any at all, due to the man’s inability or disinterest. Sad. This is one of the great free things of life! In my own life, what has helped is a regular “date” of once a week so I have something to look forward to. He is tired in the evenings and I’m not a morning person, so we have Sunday afternoons as our play time. If I didn’t set this up, I don’t think we would have sex for weeks and weeks at a time. He is not interested in testosterone evaluation, more’s the pity.
jes
england
I am 24 I’ve been with my partner 1year and 2months and my partner has a very low sex drive too and I also have to beg for it , besides the sex life we have a brilliant relationship I adore him and so does my little one I feel so bad being rejected it feels so good too see there is others women out there that are dealing with this too ? x
Joan
USA
I was single all through my 20’s and had a very active and satisfying sex life with several different partners and one long term relationship. It seemed that men were only interested in sex and not much else. Then I met the man who would become my husband. We had sex a couple of times a week but, while comforting and cuddly, he never could nor had the desire to satisfy my need to orgasm. I justified the situation because I love him and he is a wonderful person in so many ways who is very appreciative of me and my efforts in work, home, my appearance, etc. Now, after more than 20 years together his sex drive is just about non existent. When it does happen every few months it’s a quickie on a weekend morning that lasts maybe 3 minutes. Although I’ve talked with him many times about my need for affection, which doesn’t have to include intercourse, I’m slowly dying inside from the physical rejection. I’ve come to believe that he has deep seated hang ups about sex or he would at least have a desire to satisfy me. I’ve even asked outright if he is gay and he adamantly denies it, but I wonder even though I’ve never seen him exhibit any indicative behavior. I’ve also realized that his selfishness in bed does spill over into other parts of our life. I’m actually glad menopause is starting because I care less. So, my take away from all of this is that if I had it to do over again I would not have married this man. There were signs of his lack of interest when we were younger but because I love him and we were building a life together I stuck with him. To the woman who posted that is soon to be married to such a person my advice it to think carefully and be honest with yourself about what you need and realize that he will not change. Once your life is intertwined over the course of decades leaving is so complicated you may find yourself where I am. I’m glad that at least I’m not alone – reading these posts is somehow comforting and I realize I’m not crazy.
Edward
Salisbury, UK
With no doubts at all after talking to loads of male friends and certainly more than five Doctors. The stress of office life is a key factor. The change since I started in the City in 1968 is pretty dramatic.
Kar
Fl
My 32 year old bf has zero desire for sex. I think he might be gay. I’m in my 40s and in my prime. He is a great guy in every way but says he doesn’t feel a great sensation from orgasming. I’m lost he can’t even enjoy masturbation. It’s not normal. I love him and he loves me but this is destroying me. I’ve tried to talk to him he swears he is not gay and I know he loves me but sex is a chore for him. It takes so much to get him aroused and then it’s so hard for him to orgasm. And if and when he does orgasm he doesn’t moan or say a word.
So hurt n lost n lonely and mad.
Lost in love
carla
Texas
Can not believe I am not the only one going through this! I thought I was some type of weirdo with some kind of hormonal imbalance. I have never been so jealous of a computer screen. My husband and I have had many arguments about how low his sex drive is and how high mine is… Yet I have always had a hard time believing that he has a low drive when he always seems to make time to please himself.
Why not just take care of it with me?? It always leaves me thinking that there’s something wrong with me. Being rejected so many times has taken a toll on my self-esteem. But I am just glad I’m not alone.
Darrel
Toledo
My thoughts are, and clarify they are my thoughts from a man’s perspective. Men are much more fragile then women realize in my ego Department expecially when it comes to sex. Many times a woman with a high sex drive may appear to the man as not being sexually satisfied by him. Men need to be confirmed verbally a lot, that they are satisfying their spouse. So if it comes off unknowingly by the wife to the husband as in more means not satisfied or afterwards there’s no confirmation of satisfaction then it can drive the man away. My suggestion is that wife let them know the reason why there and such a high drive is because you turn me on husband I want you you satisfy me you rock my world and I want more more. I think a man that desires his wife and feels like he is putting it down wants it more. I guarantee you that most of the cases a feeling of inadequacy. The other case could be sexually just low on testosterone and he ain’t got it and may need supplements things like that
Michael
Stratford Ontario
This is fascinating, as there is such a variety of sexual appetites. Just before I was married, sex was every day, often more than once. Moments after marriage, this ended immediately. I could not believe it, as I wanted to have sex each night before we slept, (and still the odd time spontaneously). Well it came down to mercy sex once a month, and finally after 14 years I had to leave the marriage (not just over the sex) however. I am 58 now, and I still want to have sex every day. I want to find a partner that would enjoy love making at least two or three (or more) times a week. This is difficult, but I think there is nothing better for the mind, body and soul. It is healthy but the drives appear to vary so much. Good luck to all.
Michelle
98404
There’s nothing wrong with you. Any of you women with this “abnormal, high sex drive.” That’s bullshit. You aren’t a nympho. A real sex addict needs sex in a much different way than craving their significant other through out the day. Ditch the guy. If he wants a girl with no libido, which would actually be abnormal then good luck to him. Women are very sexual beings. It’s biological. Also, his unwillingness to please you sexually has zero to do with the way you look. His abnormally low libido is the problem. Find a guy with a normal libido, or request your guy get checked for a heart problem. Ladies, top blaming yourself for your jerk boyfriends.
Renee
TX
OMG…. I’m not the only one…. So what do I do now, though. I’m going crazy.
Sandra
I’m only 25 my s.o. Is 28. We have been together for five years. Sex was great for the first year but, I later learnt that it was a show to try to keep me. Now, im lucky if its once a week. My sex drive has always been extremely high. I try porn but I feel gross and guilty after, I’m not sure what to do anymore. I feel his constant rejection is killing my lust for him. I recently began to feel grossed out by sexual touching and kissing, only on occasion, but is occurring more often. I know I am young and I can find someone else but, his constant “I’m in pain, it’s killing the mood “, is killing it for me, and making me feel ugly and unwanted. I try to scare him by telling him about the men hitting on me. I think that is a lost cause. I’m running out of options, and am having a hard time weighing out if it’s worth it.
Amonre
San Diego
I’m glad I found this site and all the comments… I felt frustrated and alone for the past two years or maybe three…I just know that ever since we bought a house his sex drive is so much lower than mine. I don’t think I’m even asking for much. Since we are so busy with work and social life, 2-3 times a week is decent for me….now its more like 1 time every 2 weeks. He doesn’t like me nagging about it so my next step is to stop and see if he initiates…. it will be hard because I am so verbal… I think I saw some warning signs in terms of his culture and how his parents relationship was terrible growing up (his dad had mistresses every moment he could and his mom always took him back)… We have been together for 24 years and he always initiated in the beginning… I always thought when we got older sex woukd be more frequent and its not. I would like to grow old with him…but I am in my prime and I keep fantasizing about having a secret lover but I don’t believe in living a lie. Perhaps therapy and a physical checkup on his end will help us get back to normal. I don’t think we all should live our lives suffering over something that makes us connected and is readily accessible. I would give up my over priced home for more sex and intimacy back in the smaller apartment… We have no children and he has a stable job…no time for an affair..but he does play video games for hours on end…all he says is that he is tired all the time and I go to bed too late. I have even tried initiating on weekend morning’s… Once in a while that works… Stay tuned…
Sarah
Somewhere
I know this feeling all to well, but, what has made it worse is porn. I’ve never minded it until recently, I watch it myself from time to time. Lately though, I’ve found my boyfriend far more likely to jerk off to porn then try to initiate anything. What worse is now I’m so screwed up I don’t even know if I can initiate. He says I’m far to interested in sex, and when were not having it we fight. But, instead of allowing himself to maybe feel pent up and horny he watches porn. I’m losing my mind. I need to feel like he wants to indulge that he feels like I’m attractive, but, I’ve hit the point where I’ve stopped trying to ask for it, and I’m not getting it. I love him… I love him so much, but, I need sex. I’ve never felt jealous of a computer before, but, now… now I feel like shit as soon as he excuses himself to his computer chair.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to say that I need it, because he’s put something out there that says I’m too focused… but, I don’t want to anything dumb.
Lauren
California
I am in the exact same situation! I have a high sex drive, I would love to do it at least once a day, but unfortunately my boyfriend prefers to masturbate to porn. It just makes me feel so disgusting and ugly, cause from what I understand he was very sexual in his past relationships, but 90 percent of the time I initiate I get rejected. I just dont know what to do anymore. I shouldnt have to compete with every random hooker that puts her bare ass on the internet. Im pretty sure if tbe situation was reversed, and i was leaving him sexually neglected in favor of a vibrator this would be a whole other story. Im pretty sure whoever said that women have lower sex drives was just the man rejecting them trying to condone their behavior.
Carol
San Diego
I’ve had similar experiences. Women should read the writing on the wall the minute a man advises them that they need sex too often, that there is something wrong with them for having strong sexual desires. To me this is a control issue. Withholding sex, denying sex and judging the wanting partner for wanting it is just a dishonest method of fighting. Passive aggression. You cannot win an argument that is disguised as something else. Chances are that whatever is going on in his head has little or nothing to do with YOU. Please try to find a way to break away from this type of relationship. It’s pretty much guaranteed that you will lose the ability to experience joy with this type of man. If your lover refuses to see a doctor or therapist (with or without you) about an issue that is so damaging, your relationship is already dead except for the “amen.” Leave while you still have an ego. Leave before you feel an absolute need to have other men take sexual notice of you in order to feel desired. Leave before you take them up on it, possible to your own peril. Like yourself again and just leave.
Stacy
WI
As far back as I can remember, my sex drive has always been very high. I have struggled with a sex addiction for all of my adult life. It has caused me to do some risky things in early adulthood. I have since then learned how to manage it enough to where I am not making bad decisions or frankly, looking for my next lay. It is very difficult to explain this part of me to someone, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship. It has been an issue with virtually every man I have been with. I am 33, in a long term exclusive relationship with a 21 year old guy… and sometimes he can’t even handle me. I am hesitant to try medications because I fear that I won’t be myself. I do find comfort in knowing that I am not alone, nor some sort of mutant. Thank you ladies for sharing your experiences!
Lulu
Meaning since my first sex encounter of 19 years old and my first thoughts and feelings of pleasure since the age of 7 or 8.
Lulu
Fort William, Ontario, Canada
I’m 51 years old. I have been having sex since I was 19 years old. I have an extremely high sex drive and it has never stopped. Not a day goes by that I do not want an orgasm or at least 3. Now I can control it, (don’t want to, but I can) and not leave the house without having 3 orgasms before I leave for work, but I rarely do. Having the ‘O’ is so good for your immune system and your outlook on life that if there is no man around (in the morning there never is because I don’t do sleep overs) then I take care of it myself. Nothing like a man and the real thing, so thank goodness there’s plenty of that to do around in the evening and on the weekends. But it consumes my private thoughts when I’m on break, driving, shopping, sleeping. When I work I work and always concentrate on that, but I am continually vibrating and ready to go. Some men that that I have been with find this unbelievable. Some men that I haven’t been with feel the same. They call me the energizer bunny. I don’t think it’s a problem, but I surprise myself at times that I have been this way since before my first sex encounter. At least since the age of 7 or 8.
Jayne
USA
I thought I, was a nympho at one time. But think about it, he knew you were like this when you met him. Maybe he feels he can’t keep up! It is not that he is not interested! His pride is in the way. Other men do find you lovely. He enjoys that attention. But unless he is Idris Elba, he may not have it in that department. Your hormones are working overtime and some medications can control them. If this has interfered with you mental well-being then ask a psychiatrist. A medical doctor, at least here in America, will think you don’t have a problem. Certain anti-depressants will help with may very well be a sex addiction. For me, I knew that this was taking way too much of my life. I did what my mother told me to do, I prayed on it for two weeks. One morning I work up, it was gone, forever. Not that I don’t like sex, but it is no longer if I don’t have it I will explode issue for me. It does not run my life anymore, and does not define who I am. I used to be afraid of it coming back, which is why many pretty women become fat, but I am no longer shamed by my former sexuality. I learned moderation is the key to everything.
Soraya
Thank you for your posting. In fact I did pray abt my sex drive that outdoes my husband’s. One night very fervently and a few following nights I prayed that He would grant the request. It seemed to work for a while but again my desire consumes me. Not only that but also now I’m resentful at my husband how unfair and insensitive he has been with me. I feel conquered by this chain and my bitterness….
UnhappyBride
London
I’m about to get married in a few months and this is an ongoing problem that really upsets me. There is definitely not enough advice or enough studies about higher sex drives in women. The bulk of advice I’ve read is about men’s higher sex drives and women struggling with that and it makes me feel abnormal and undesirable. I’m 31 and when we first got together (5 years ago), we were having great, regular sex. I really thought I’d met someone who I was going to have amazing sex with for the rest of my life and it would only get better. The truth is, we now only have sex 2-3 times/month and I’m in desperate need for more sex. If I try to broach the subject, he gets annoyed and says he would be more in the mood if I didn’t bring it up and it’s not ‘attractive’ to hear me speak that way. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried his approach and nothing changes. We do bicker and I’m a passionate person, so I say what I think, but we also have a very loving relationship and have a lot of fun together. It puts worries in my mind about marrying him, but I don’t want to leave him. We love each other to bits and there is a lot of cuddling, holding hands, kissing every day (but he’s usually just interested in a peck). I’ve even started to worry he’s gay, but don’t think he is. Then I question my sexual abilities, but have never had that feeling from other partners. I seem to be attractive to other men and he tells me he is very attracted to me, so why no sex? It really dents my confidence…particularly when I initiate and he turns me down (I’ve never experienced that before). Help!! Does anyone else feel this way or is in a similar situation? Please share.
sohappyiamnotalone
United Kingdom
@unhappybride I am exactly in the same situation as you are- except I am not about to marry my ‘lazy’ man. He is a lovely boyfriend that cuddles and kisses me, just not having sex, at all! I am satisfying myself, but it doesn’t compare with the real thing and I also feel guilty, but I can’t help it because being horny all the time makes me go mad.. Don’t feel unattractive, you said it yourself- other men notice you!
Stephen fairbrother
Dont mean to pick you out of a crowd but posted comment stood out to me. I pleasure mysef as you do but I do it because if I don’t I am like a sexual predator. I hound my partner for sex and make her feel bad but as well it’s not enough. Do you think we are selfish or do you agree with me and think a partner should give sex when ever. Beause I’m always on standby just in case
Lauren
This one explained my situation completely! Especially the bringing it up aspect, we try to not mention it for a few weeks and nothing changes! they just seem happy we’ve stopped. We wear sexy undies, we shave all kinds of dif ways, we change our hair, we lose weight… And nothing. We know they love us, as we love them, but we just can’t comprehend why they don’t want to have sex. I hope their becomes a cure for this in the future. I’ve had the coil fitted as I’ve heard that can lower the drive! I’ll keep you all posted.
Hope you had a lovely wedding and fingers crossed your problem’s fixed. I think couples counselling is probably the best route for us all, it can give your guy the opportunity to see that we aren’t sex crazy or asking for the world. :) x
Jennifer
Feels like I’m reading my own story… Thank you for sharing. I am getting immense help and comfort from reading these ladies’ stories here. Even how your partner reacts and says is the same. Guess this issue is universal across ethnicity, culture, and age. I know it is painful but I would reconsider the marriage. It wreaks havoc on the marriage. My husband and I are just perfect except the sex issue (at least to me. He doesn’t realize how serious this issue is. No ideas it’s to this extent. It’s killing me secretly.)
He is in early 40s and tells me his friends couples have sex once a month etc. Some of those couples don’t have sex for the entire pregnancy, etc. my sex drive is making me feel even more miserable and rejected since I became pregnant. My husband abstains (not even abstain bc it doesn’t require any control or effort for him not to have sex) from sex since we discovered the pregnancy.
daisy
Like every one else I have a very high sex drive my partner & I have been together for 3 years and have 2 children together, the 1st week was great, but now there is nothing once every 2 or 3 months it’s killing me he doesn’t even do anything when it comes to sex just lays on his back doing nothing, while I do all the work, he doesn’t do anything else literally no oral or even touching, I can’t handle it anymore, we fight a lot & I think this could be why I wish there was something I could do but I can’t handle this anymore
P
NM
Here’s the thing, I’d love to figure out how to recognize others with a higher than average libido.
Like these ladies, unfortunately, I’ve always had a high libido.
I wish, and I’m sure these ladies would agree, that there was some research that could show what to look for in people’s personalities that might give a “wise” person an inkling of an idea, that the person he/she is dealing with is a good candidate for a higher level of sexual activity.
It does get soooooo very frustrating not being satisfied in this area. After all –
This Level of INTIMACY is huge in a relationship… At least, it is to me!
Does anyone know of any study done or have any thoughts on how to increase
the chance of being with a similar person? If you do I’d surely like to hear!
PS: Like several of the ladies here… I too am into monogamous relationships only.
Pee
Ghana
Ooo! So I’m not in this alone? Women; we are suffering. I developed interest in sex after birth. We’ve married for two years but together for twelve years. We are in our late twenty’s, he was very active in sex when we were dating but i was not and he made me like it . Now that i want to do it more he is always busy with work or tired and rans from it. I always have to initiate it. At time he even says my sex drive is too high therefore he will stop doing it and sleep. We sometimes do it once in a week or in two weeks. So what should I do because I love him soo much and don’t want to leave?
Angela
Kansas
I am 39 years old and my husband is 32. I have a very high sex drive and I feel like it’s unnormal! We have been married 8 years but together 13 years. We have 4 children and life is great but not the sex. We use to have sex 4-5 times a day and now it’s 3-4 times a week and that’s still not enough for me. His sex drive has went down since he started on his high blood pressure medicine and he barely wants it. I’m going crazy!! I don’t want no one else but him and I need help because I’m constantly lusting for him.
Carson
U.S.
Angela, a close female friend had the same problem, she was constantly craving sex and her husband was exhausted. She had to have it several times a day! Finally she tried the right mixture of herbal treatment and her drive reduced down to a more manageable level. Try a doctor that is into herbal medicine. Your strong drive can be controlled.
Christina
Nanaimo BC
Again wow, I can’t believe there are so many women with the same or similar stories. In previous relationships I’ve had a moderate sex drive but I always felt satisfied. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 8months he’s 28 and I’m 23 until recently we’ve been having sex a couple of times a day and it was great! He was amazing at foreplay and was really interested in making sure I was having a good time. I was usually the one who initiated but he was always ready to go. Lately though when I initiate he rejects me says maybe later babe and continues
To plau on his phone! The rejection kills me, it hurts me so bad and he has NO idea. I feel ugly and undesirable and it makes me question the rest of our relationship that’s otherwise pretty great! I start being distant and grumpy which makes him leave me alone even more! I don’t know what to do? We’ve talked about before but then I think he’s only having sex with me because I asked him to not because he wants to! I feel like I’m such a complainer amd I should probably just be happy with what I have, which is truely a wonderful man!
K
This is honestly the most frustrating problem. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. I really love him, and we get along really well. He’s my best friend, but he’s almost never in the mood and I keep feeling rejected because of how little sex we have. The first six months of our relationship were amazing, with us having sex around twice a week. Now I think the last time was around two months ago. I’m going insane, and I don’t know how to help it. He keeps suggesting we try an open relationship since we both feel bad about our difference in libido, but i’m just not comfortable with it. I don’t even want to initiate anything anymore just because I know i’m going to get shot down. I love him very much but I just really need the intimacy that comes with sex
Hailey
I have this same issue with my boyfriend. We’re both 19 and going to school. We both work and so sometimes our schedules are just really messed up. I understand the wanting without receiving thing. I also understand that I bring a lot of it on myself because I don’t talk about my feelings on the subject with him. I’m a shy person so I have a problem expressing myself verbally. I write him erotic stories a lot because of this (I’m an English major). I think on some level he knows what I want but doesn’t know how to address it. I just really feel the need to point out to a lot of people that having a high sex drive isn’t bad and you shouldn’t look to decrease it. There’s something called masturbating. There’s also something called communication. I know this sounds hypocritical because I myself don’t talk to my partner about these things, but I have plenty of friends who have the balls to do it and it makes their lives easier. Talk to your partner about how you feel. Write sexy notes. Don’t feel abnormal or like you shouldn’t want to get freaky with your boo. Sex is fun. It’s okay to want sex.
Melinda
West Virginia
I’m 39 and my husband is 42. My sexual desire is through the roof right now. My husband I work opposite shifts and he works a lot of weekends. So, we only have sex on the weekends when he’s not working. My husband is fine with having sex once or twice during the weekend the same way every time. I’m going nuts!!!! I think about sex all the time. I fantasize about different ways and different places. I want to try new things, spice it up, and be spontaneous. I want him to want me and do things to me and vice versa. I want him all the time but I don’t get the same back from him. I don’t know what to do. I want him on my level or to decrease my urges. I’m willing to put as much effort into making him enjoy everything. I feel we have sex just to get him off and let him release. He does reciprocates at times but it just makes me want him more. I read about sex, want to learn new things sexually, I feel that I’m obsessed. He doesn’t understand my feelings and urges.
alicia
United States
I am 29 my husband is 25. I have a crazy high sex drive. He’s a good sport in this matter only because he’s a great husband and does whatever makes me happy but I feel like it’s too much. We have sex almost everyday. He has to wake up at 4am every morning and most of the time I don’t get off work till 10pm but he still is up most nights sets an alarm to wake up in case he falls asleep. Yes I’m very appreciative for this but I feel horrible cause he don’t get sleep and I know I don’t “make” him, I’m not holding a gun to his head or anything but I know how he is and he will do anything to make me happy. If he don’t wait up or fall asleep I feel like he don’t find me attractive or don’t like it.
Christina
I’ve read about 20+ comments and I can’t believe how many woman are going through this especially young woman (makes it very suspicious btw). I’ve been in both situations but if I would have to pick I would rather have my partner be chasing me all the time (which can be so frustrating) for sex than being rejected.
I was married for 6 years with my first husband and he would always reject me after we had 1 1/2 years together he would always say he was tired and turn his back while we slept and I would turn around to cry I do remember he would hear me but would just fall asleep. He was (or is) a porn addict and he would rather masturbate than to be with me. The only reason we had sex is because he couldn’t take more than two weeks without intercourse, I was his sex toy and I felt I was being used. Three years ago he called it quits. I remember two months after he said he wanted a divorce he found out there was a guy trying to get at me and he wanted me back but I didn’t. I was so tired out not being wanted. There was times I felt I was his roommate or sister not his lover and wife.
Then I met my bf which he was the whole opposite. He was all over me all the time and wanting sex everyday and I did too I was over the moon I love how he is in bed making me feel the only girl in the world, until I started finding myself so tired of the everyday work, I had 3 kids and was pregnant with the fourth at the time, so I would tell him I didn’t want sex I just wanted to cuddle and share how was my day before going to bed. He didn’t like it and would get mad and say he will do the same thing to me for when I want sex which he did once or twice because he couldn’t resist Hahaha… We are still together and have sex 4-5 times a week and we are very happy with that. But it took him a bit to understand me that I take care of the house and kids by myself with no help from him.
I told him “I don’t get you men. You guys complain about the wives not doing much for the marriage to stay alive, the wife doesn’t dress nice, do their hair and makeup anymore. And hardly want sex, well it’s because most men don’t want to lift a finger in the home and by the end of the day we are exhausted.” I took him two years (mostly spent fighting, leaving each other for a few days and coming back, until I got fed up with the situation and called it quits but he wouldn’t let go so he didn’t have much choice than to compromise) and just now we are starting to get along and compromise without much fuss. We are very happy.
Jean
UAE
Oh my God!!!! Finally! I heaved a huge sigh of relief after reading this article and the comments here! I m not the only one! And I thought I was a sex maniac. I m married for the last 8years and 99% of the time its me who initiates the whole thing! But now I am really tired its like I feel like a hoe trying to seduce him all the time and most of the time get rejected by him dozing off right away or by telling me that he does not feel 100%. He seems more interested and excited to wash linen and the dishes than sit and have a cup of coffee with me! I love him so much that I cannot bear to think of a life without him! And my this strange desire is only for him! I was never attracted to any other guy sexually before I met him and even now I dont get that feeling for anyone else! Its only my man I go head over heels but it really hurts when he never tries to initiate it. Forget the sex he is also not the physical types he would not come and hug you and kiss you or tease you or even cuddle with you unless you start it off! I get the feeling that I force myself on him. Nowadays the act is also not very enjoyable for me as these silly thoughts have affected my mind. We have a daughter and hardly get time to spend with each other. No one to baby sit her so our life has almost ended as a couple! We are just parents to my 5 yr old! Thats it! Otherwise he is a great partner and has never hurt me directly. I used to feel so depressed, unwanted, ugly and I felt so undignified and humiliated! But now I thinks its normal! Guess I have to live with this and search for something that makes me stop craving for sex!!!
Star
I am 25 and my husbands 29, I am so frustrated not only because my sex drive is higher; the thing is he’s a vegetarian and I always try to make him hi protein food but most of the time we eat past or whatever… my problem is I know he has a high sex drive because, or I thought he did because I know he watches porn, my problem is that if I’m not home he watches porn when he needs release but then he doesn’t want to have sex that day, we are newly weds and now having sex at least once a week it’s too much, I love him and I understand he’s really busy working, and I supper him and we get along wonderfully, but why? because he doesn’t wanna excersise or whatever it makes me so so mad and rejected because doesn’t matter how much I touch my self I can be with him right away, but he prefers to watch porn and get over his needs of release… I’ve talked to him about this and I know he doesn’t like it, but it makes me feel horrible, I feel like a man
Christine
North Carolina
I’m 32 and I’ve never really had a sex drive. Eight months ago I met my soul mate. He makes me feel like I’m complete. We married in Nov. And I never noticed how much I desired him, that was until we stopped having sex. Most nights I lay awake crying just wanting to feel him pull me close to him. And hold me in his arms, as much as I would love to feel the way he makes love to me, I would melt inside with him just holding me. This feels like it’s tearing me apart. He is an amazing man inside and out. I wish I could change this, to know what I have done wrong. Sometimes I pray for my desire to have sex to be gone. I tell myself I never missed it before, so why can’t I just forget about it now. I love my husband with my soul and don’t wont to lose him because of sex. I don’t know what to do.
Michala
Tn
I can’t believe there are so many women who share the same problems with me. I’m 20 and my boyfriend is 23. Before I met him I was never very interested in sex but he is the best lover I’ve ever had. Since we’ve been dating my sex drive has increased dramatically. We used to have sex everyday, sometimes twice and now I’m lucky to get it every couple of weeks.
He works really hard and he says it has lowered his sex drive but mine has constantly been increasing. He keeps telling me that I need to be the one to initiate it but the times that I do I get rejected. We fight about this constantly and it’s the only problem we have but I’m tired of crying myself to sleep while he just lays there snoring, completely oblivious to my pain.
He doesn’t understand why it hurts me so much but I can’t stand feeling so rejected and unattractive. It makes me feel pitiful and jealous and even suspicious towards him. I can’t handle feeling like this anymore, there has to be some happy medium… How can I lower my sex drive? At least now I know I’m not alone in this situation.
Karolina
Sweden
Hi I’m 29 and I also seriously thought I was alone with this issue. My previous relationships have been based on good sex and in other areas we didn’t get along. Now I have found the love of my life, my husband, and now I have all the love and support I always wanted from a partner. But he has no interest in sex. His idea of sex is that only and ONLY the missionary position is sex. You rush to the end as quickly as possible, everything else is a waste of time that he does not get.
I have pretty advanced sexual preferences and feel like I’m stuck at Mario Cart level 1. I have tried to talk to him but he refuses to discuss the topic. He says that he is sorry I feel he can’t satisfy me but that he can do nothing about it.
He does not think there is a problem. I always find myself take the initiative to sex but I’ve been turned down so many times I’ve stopped asking. It’s been 5 months now and I also cry myself to sleep totally rejected. I feel so perverted, ugly and worthless as a woman. I have a hard time not falling in to the arms of another man or woman who shows me interest. I can’t imagine myself living the rest of my life without sex but I don’t want to cheat on him, I love him and our life too much. What can I do?
Eric
Sacramento,CA
I can’t help but ask, where are all these women who desire sex so much at? I have looked high and low, and the best I can ever seem to find is a woman who wants it once a week, if even that. I did find one woman who claimed she really liked sex and wanted it a lot. After a few weeks with me, she basically admitted defeat, as it were. The problem was I was holding back as well, I still wanted more. I know it’s purely anecdotal, but it’s my experiences that, even if the woman does really enjoy sex, the man always seems to want it more. I haven’t been proven wrong so far, so it’s difficult for me to take this article too seriously because of my experienced.
Cryss
New Orleans
*sigh* it makes me sad to read all these similar stories. I’m a 35 year old woman and I’m going through this too. I’ve ALWAYS had a high sex drive. I’m not looking for Super Man, but at least someone that’s not a selfish lover.
I’m in a relationship with a man that I love, but these sexual problems have caused so many issues…I’m not in love with him anymore. The issues started 6 months into the relationship. Before then everything was great. He’s a caring and loving person, but no matter what I say or how I try to express to him that this hurts me…he just doesn’t get it. He gets frustrated with me because I always feel like this is somehow my fault.
I couldn’t help but feel that it was because he’s not attracted to me anymore. We found out that he has HBP and I’m sure that’s the reason for the ED, but not for the total lack of libido. I try to be patient and understanding…I’m just tired of crying myself to sleep because he won’t touch me. I’m tired of initiating. Last time I decided to wait, just to see how long it would be. It was 5 months! The only reason it even happened then was because I lost it.
It’s happened once since then. We don’t even have sex once a month. I don’t know what else to do. He loves my daughter and I so much. We just moved in together. I’m miserable. I just want someone who doesn’t mind showing me that I’m the one that he wants and desires. I feel so unattractive and unwanted. This has really taken a toll on my self esteem.
Carla
Indianapolis
You might have mentioned in your post the answer. “fall into the arms of another man or woman”. A great many men are OK with their wife having a close female friend. In my case it has worked perfectly. I always thought of myself as straight but I became close to another young lady who seemed to be in the same situation as I. My husband knows about us and told me he has no problem with it as long as I am never with any other men and we are descreet. I am very lucky to have both my husband and this pretty lady in my life and it has made me very content with my life! Many would be shocked to know what our true relationship is, she is a past beauty pageant winner on the state level and so am I , so we are not a couple of dykes looking for a good time. We vacation together each year and its amusing when guys hit on us, if they only knew!
Y
MTL
I just got married in January after 8 months of relationship. It’s the man of my dream I’m 24 he’s 34. At the beginning (the first 6 months) we had the best sex ever. He’s definitely the best lover I’ve ever had. Then 2 months before the wedding I was always the one initiating it then couple nights before the wedding I got rejected once… and twice… and then I started crying and telling him how I was feeling, how I was always the one that wanted sex and that he’d never make a move… and 10 min after he was snoring. He just moved in with me after the wedding and it is still that way. I don’t want to initiate it because I’m scared of rejection and I’m waiting for him to make a move but that never happens… So I end up crying every night in silence when I go to bed. And then reading all these posts scare me even more because I realized “this is true.. It is a real problem all around the world” I’m scared for my relationship cause I love him to death.
LT
Iowa
I wasn’t expecting to see all these posts. I am a 47 yr old woman. My boyfriend just (like tonight) packed his shit and left!! Partly due to our difference in the way we see sex and intimacy. I have had a strong sex drive forever! I’m a Leo! It’s in my blood! It’s how I’m wired. I guess the trouble I have is understanding how, if my partner says that he cares about my needs and I compromise and back off for weeks and wait for him to initiate intimacy, he can have intercourse with me and get himself off then leave me in limbo….once again.
He has never been one for foreplay. Well, of course he loves to receive but doesn’t ever give…in any way. I’ve tried to gently coach him and tell him what turns me on, but it has never changed.
So…to the young women, in your 20’s that have posted on this site, if you’re reading this, do NOT continue in a sexless relationship. Life is too short. Do not settle for mediocrity. Take your time picking your mate. It takes about 3 yrs to really get to know someone.
Lack of intimacy affects all other aspects of our lives, especially as women. Most men just don’t get this and that’s really a shame. My boyfriend doesn’t get it! He doesn’t want to get it, so therefore….SEE YA!! Over it! I would rather be alone!!!
Denise F.
United States
You’re not in this alone, I’m in the same situation and recently it has gotten worse to where we’ve stopped speaking at all.
amanda
fl
I feel exactly the same. It hurts so much. I to find myself crying while he snores. I’ve told him how I feel he says all I care about is sex. Truth is I have such a high sex drive because I love him so much. My drive was nowhere near this until I met him. My sex drive is tied to my emotions of love and want. I want him all the time. And I to find myself initiating every time. And being rejected by a snore. Maybe I am just in denial, he doesn’t want me. And i just wont take the hint.
M.M.
Reading all of these posts has been a little comforting to know I’m not alone. I’ve been with my husband for 4 years I’m 43 he’s 48 and he was diagnosed with low T but doesn’t like the side effects to the meds which I understand. My sex drive is very high and his is the polar opposite. We’ve talked about it and he’s frustrated because he feels sex is all I want and as much as I enjoy it it’s also about the closeness I feel when we’re together which he doesn’t understand. What I know is I’m so tired of feeling rejected and unwanted I try not to initiate but apparently am still trying to much. I logged on here looking for natural ways to reduce my libido and ideas for coping. I can say it helps knowing I’m not alone…
I am going to try some of the ideas and have started to try refocusing myself on other things when the urge comes over. Thank you to everyone for being so candid it was truly helpful.
Shruthi S.
India
I am going through hell without sex in my life, it’s been 4yrs since we had sex and now we are just together for our 3yr old daughter and nothing else… It’s the worst feeling ever in a situation that I can’t help myself in any way. I am trying to kill myself rather than living my life this way. Its horrible feeling being rejected. I have no words to explain the pain am going through…
daz05
africa
It’s difficult to understand what we go through..I am single..we broke up our relationship because my ex girlfriend complained that my sex drive irritates her and she can’t keep up with it..several medication have proved unsuccessful..I have to face reality that my frequent and unsatisfying sex drive is part of me, I can’t get rid of it, it’s just there to stay for a life time.
I will suggest another way to address the issue is to find partner with high libido which is quite difficult to find..I keep myself occupied with work, sports and reading but I still can’t control my sex drive during these activities..
Masturbation is good but the sensation, feeling and satisfaction is nothing compared to experience with the opposite partner..forums like this are helpful and I encourage individuals without high libido to be part of the discussion and shouldn’t impersonate as one have high libido..I am proud and I so much love my high libido and I encourage others to embrace them self and be proud of whom they are..
I want to thank people’s pharmacy for recognising us and extending a helping hand to us through these discussion forum..
Ratna
Singapore
I have been married for 17 years , my husband suffers from ED. When I try to initiate sex, he asks to be left alone; times like this I feel he rips out every shred of dignity that I have. Lately I have come to question the kind of relationship that we share. He says go masturbate!
He continues to stonewall every conversation by saying no one can talk to you. The fact is he does not want to talk about it. It is a big deal to me, cos it makes me question my relationship, feelings, grief etc. He shuts out everything with booze n more booze.
I keep reading that men are visual creatures, I seem to have shattered all the stereotypes, I find myself ogling muscular guys. I make more eye contact with the male species now than I have ever before; my choice of clothes have become daring perhaps indirectly I want him to sit up and look at me.
Lately he accuses me of having sex in my mind all the time, Why make sex trashy now, wasn’t it the same thing he wanted when he was a young buck
What recourse do I have?
Tyra
baton rouge, la
What is a woman suppose to do!?!?! LOL!
I’m 26 and have had a very high sex drive as long as I’ve been sexually active, I too have the same issue with my current boyfriend and past relationships or flings… I honestly do know what to do about how to make it work but communicate and be very honest because I’ll rather me express my feelings to see if you’ll apply some type of change into my needs. Sex is an important role in every relationship and ppl put it off as if it isn’t. When a male or female is lacking something in the sex department their hunger for what they crave will get stronger and stronger and either 3 things will happen. 1. You’ll be an upset puppy for the rest if your life with your partner. 2. You’ll cheat. 3. You’ll end you breaking up… I’m honest with my partner but now it’s all about timing. ( everything doesn’t happen overnight.)
Lt
I’ve always been the one to initiate things with my husband. It makes me feel so unwanted, not good enough, not pretty, etc. btw I had injections of progesterone during my second pregnancy to help me go full term after my son was early. I had never heard of it affecting your sex drive before this article. Did not for me!
Alex S.
I am really upset by the statement “I always thought men wanted sex continuously”, quite infuriated in fact! Almost feels like feminism in reverse :p
First of all nobody wants sex continuously. Secondly we, men, are also people and sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t!!!
I also have the feeling that a lot of women take enjoyment in the fact that they have an option to deny sex. I am quite frankly to say – disgusted by that fact. It is just something I grew up with, having been told that women do not enjoy sex as much as men do. I am so pleased to find out now that there are actually women (and maybe a lot of them) who’s libido is higher than that of their husband’s/boyfriend’s. I feel that it’s Karma coming back!
Still talking
So my husband and I have been married almost 5 years now. We are both very religious people, and as we believe it is wrong to have sex before marriage we waited until we were married. We discussed all aspects of sex before marriage including porn use (none allowed) and masturbation (none solo), but sex drive is hard to quantify for two virgin people.
I by and far have the stronger sex drive. I want it daily but I think he would have sex quarterly, if it was up to him, and other than the honeymoon period of a month when we were close to daily, it had been once a week. However in the last year it has crept more towards once or twice a month. We are still talking to figure out a good level for our relationship. Ironically, he is extremely intimate, we are always hugging and cuddling, and he gives me massages, and we often lay naked together.
I truly believe that in any relationship there will be compromises. You are taking two different people and trying to form one relationship. As such, sex is one of those that requires compromise for most couples. If there is true affection and desire for the other person’s happiness, then you can handle having sex a little less often than you would like, or a little more often. I strongly disagree with several comments about get a divorce and move on. There is no perfect mate, and there will always be compromising. Unless there is abuse or one of the spouse has checked out of the relationship and is no longer willing to work on the relationship, I see no reason to try ‘greener pastures’.
Here’s the rub for me. If the man in the relationship has the higher sex drive, well it’s pretty easy for a woman to participate in sex. Yes it takes energy, but depending on position, she doesn’t have much she needs to do, and if necessary can even fake an orgasm. The vice versa is not equal. When the woman has the higher sex drive she has to excite the man sufficient to get an erection. Heterosexual sex doesn’t work well without an erection! :-) Thus the disadvantage!
How does a man, who wants to give sex more often perform? He doesn’t! He knows his body is too tired, or that JR won’t be performing that night. So rather than being embarrassed when Jr doesn’t activate, he says no. Woman feels rejected, and man (should) feels horrible for making her feel that way! Thus start of the ugly cycle, she feels worse and pulls away, and he feels worse and has even lower libido, she only makes half hearted requests, because it doesn’t hurt so bad when he says no…again! He has even less excitement to get Jr up. He requests that he initiates all sex and further hurts woman, and so on!
My suggestion: have a long talk, discuss porn use, masturbation, frequency of sexual desire, how often does each person think of sex, sexual orientation, ect. Then try to find a mid ground.
For my husband and I it has been weekly, way less for me, and way more for him. Then commit fully to uphold that. Don’t go looking for other paths. If I need something more, then he pleasures me with his hands, and the same can work the other way. In my opinion, everything sexual should be done together. Even if only one is being pleasured due to lack of interest from the other. That way I am still feeling loved and treasured by my husband and not turning to a vibrator, porn or another person while he is out watching TV or out at the office or whatever! That way it is still a ‘couple event’ and still building our relationship. Then next week or next month sit down and talk again. How is it working? How do both feel? And make adjustments accordingly. Most likely you won’t strike the perfect balance the first time, and needs and desires change, as does health.
A piece of advice that I found. The classical path to sex follows these 4 steps: 1. Sexual thought: this can be seeing your spouse in a sexual way, a fantasy, or some other sexual trigger. 2. Sexual desire: the thought triggers feelings in you body making you want sex. 3. The sexual act/release whether by masturbation or by intercourse, it’s some kind of release. 4. The let down (I can’t remember the technical term) where your body relaxes after the release. A lot of people follow this path and it is what Hollywood teaches. Woman walks in with a lacy lingerie on, man gets excited they have sex.
However there is evidence some people do not follow this in order, they mix up 1 and 2. In other words seeing an image or hearing something flirtatious or seductive, doesn’t get them going. However if a sexual feeling is aroused then the sexual desire can be triggered, and the following steps ensue! I would suggest this might be some of the guys who don’t have a problem with Jr, but just never are in the mood, tired, etc.
In other words we call it the five minute rule. Because my husband has some erectile dysfunction due to medical problems it doesn’t work for me every time. But the five minute rule is that the person that is wanting sex is given 5 minutes by the non interested partner to sexually arouse them. Whether nibbling on ears, touching genitals, massages, whatever the partner likes. If after 5 minutes they still are too tired for sex, then some personalized pleasuring may be in order and sex can wait a day or few hours. (However I wouldn’t over use this, only when you really need sex!) I think you would be surprised how responsive the other person can become.
Another suggestion for the spouse that has the higher sex drive. Figure out your triggers and get rid of them. For me it is a hot scene, either on TV or in a movie. For my dad it was certain songs on the radio. As he avoided listening to that his libido dropped making it more manageable for mom!! Same for me. Would I like sex daily? Yes, but without my triggers it is much easier to be satisfied by weekly. Which makes me and my husband much happier. Like I said compromise, he still would prefer four times a year.
I am no expert, but there didn’t seem to be many suggestions on here, only vents. So I thought I would share a few. And as some others said, this is as important to work on openly as money, children, keeping the house clean, any subject in a relationship. If you are willing to put time into those aspects, then put time into your sex life. I honestly thought it would just ‘happen’ and the first year was miserable!!!! Reading some of your posts brought those feelings back, and it is heart wrenching. But since my husband and I talk about it openly and frankly, and are getting to the point of scheduling it, we have both been MUCH happier with our sex life!! Make the commitment and you’ll be happier too, if your partner is willing to work on it too!
all about the connection
I really appreciate hearing all of your voices. It really helps to not feel alone in this frustration. Thank you especially to those of you who have taken the time to share some of what has helped in your situation. This gives the rest of us ideas to spring from instead of being left feeling helpless and despairing.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years. The first year went well enough, with frequent and fulfilling sex. Though I knew that I was introducing him to more adventurous experiences than he’d had before, I had imagined that that had been a limitation of his previous partners (not necessarily him). And later, as our frequency and levels of passion diminished, I attributed this to the many situational stressors in our lives (still not really considering that it may be because of him). I even blamed myself for not “setting the stage” better.
Through the years we’ve generally had a good relationship though often it has felt more like a close friendship or even like a business partnership. When we have been sexually active it has usually been the result of my initiation, and mostly under my lead. This has often been pleasurable for both of us but even so it does not seem to stimulate more desire for him, and rejections and even gaps of 6 months are not uncommon. To cope with my own unfulfilled desires I’ve sought out romantic and sexual media, fantasized about other potential partners and have used masturbation to meet my needs but I have always wished that these activities didn’t have to exist apart from the relationship.
Recently, after increasing my frequency of initiations with diminishing positive response, we have begun to talk about the disparity between our desires. I know – it is hard to believe that it has taken this long! I think that he really may not have realized how much more I have wanted physical contact and sex with him, and I am learning new insights into his perspective. Reading some of the other posts here, I am hopeful that this may lead to better openness and understanding between us and a chance to develop strategies that will work better for us.
K. R.
I’m going through the same things at the moment, and I still feel alone, as i have only just turned 20.
I’m in a happy relationship with a 24 year old, but things get so hard for both of us, because I will want sex, and try to initiate, and I’m comtinuesly getting rejected. This then makes me frustrated, upset and angry. I’m usually in tears because I feel unattractive, or unloved. I cant deal with this rejection anymore.
I NEED to get rid of my sex drive. It’s making me so confused and unhappy. I’ve tried taking antidepressants to get rid of it, but i ended up having other side effects and my sex drive was no different. I’m feeling confused, and depressed. I’m even getting paranoid about his sexuality because of how much affection he shows to other men rather than me.
We’ve talked about it many times, but things aren’t changing. Someone please give me some tips, or have a great solution.
af
It is amazing to me that so many others have this issue!! I am a 66 yr old female who has been living with my 69 yr old male partner for 7 years. When we first met, we had sex a lot, which was great with me!! Then all of a sudden, one night when I put my arms around him, he unexpectedly said “just back off a little”, and I was so hurt and taken aback, I have rarely ever initiated sex since then.
This was in the first year we were living together, so that has been about 6 years of not nearly enough sex. It just keeps dwindling down, now I ‘m lucky if we have sex once every couple months. I am not at all satisfied with this, and have brought it up from time to time, but nothing ever changes. Also, the first year or so of our relationship (we met about 10 months before I moved in), he showed himself to be a very skilled and satisfactory lover, knowing all the right moves, and using them.
He never had a problem getting an erection, and says he loves me and finds me attractive. I don’t think there is anything that can be done about any of this now, but I really miss how we were the first couple years. And it isn’t like we were all that young then, either. Just adding my tale to others.
I feel for all of you folks who are feeling rejected, as I know what you mean. I try not to focus on it, but I am still alive here, and miss that special connection of sex with someone you love. We are both fit and active, and attractive (if I do say so) and still employed in professional positions. I find myself second guessing what it is in me that has made him not have the desire for me any more, though I know it probably isn’t me at all.
At this point, I have pretty much made up my mind that it isn’t going to change or get much better. I do use a vibrator from time to time to help myself, but as many have noted, it is a poor substitute. Ah well, best of luck to all in getting your needs met.
sjs
I honestly thought I was alone on this. I’m 27 and have lately felt like I’ve been in a deep depression over this.
I went into my relationship (3 years it will be in April) knowing that I found my soulmate who also was overly active in a sexual manner thinking this would be okay. Now that he has moved in with me, regardless of so many advances made toward him I feel that “rejected” feeling.
I have discussed it with him and it’s like I’m lost when I do so. We used to have sex constantly but now he can discuss being aroused n whatnot n it ends up NOWHERE.
I feel like its almost starting to affect every part of the relationship because it almost makes me feel unwanted. It’s a little better knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way.
I just wish I could shut the emotion part of it off. It scares me because I love him so much but the lack of sex just kind of makes me feel unwanted to a degree, and I don’t want it to fall apart because of that.
DM
Thankfully this article reassures me that I am not strange and do not have a sex addiction problem. My boyfriend and I don’t have a perfect relationship but I know my issues have stemmed from the lack of intimacy. So I’m the selfish and insensitive one? for an attractive woman like myself it angers me to be rejected. Makes me want to leave him often. Then I’m told that’s all I care about. Well if this were true, I would be long gone. I just don’t know how long I’m willing to wait till things get back to where they were before. But I’m willing to try everything possible because my God it was great once. I just fear I will wait too long and end up with no happy ending, old and alone.
Donna
DM = VERY good advice = RUN away from him and find someone else who is more in tune with you! There are PLENTY of great guys out there and it sounds like you could have your pick! This mans problems will only get worse and you will NEVER be happy. I KNOW, it happened to me ! All people, men and women need affection !
FM
My finance after 3-4 days or a week on average will start to get severely depressed and whiny about not having sex. The way she acts about it / approaches it is a huge turn off and I’m starting to subconsciously forget about having sex with her. It is not intentional but I notice the signs when they happen.
I feel the root cause is that she needs to be more confident and sexy about her approach because right now all I keep hearing is crying. I am 26 years of age. She is 21. I find her very attractive but when she acts like this I forget about all the good things.
JF
There is no solution. I have looked all over the Internet. If you are a woman with a higher sex drive than your partner then too bad, it sucks to be you.
Either live with it or leave. He won’t change if he thinks he is getting as much as he requires. Don’t feel like there is anything wrong with you because there most likely isn’t.
P
Yep. . . I agree with what you said. And, what you said is true whether you’re a man or a woman.
That’s life.
jlfai
My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half now, and I have noticed that over the past few months his sex drive has decreased in such an odd way…
It’s very obvious that he only ever wants it on his terms. I would be happy with this, if the sex lasted more than 10 minutes at most. There is never any foreplay, it’s always “the ol’ in out”.
If I initiate sex, I almost always get turned down and it takes a huge toll on my confidence and self image. Thoughts of looking for satisfaction elsewhere had momentarily crossed my mind, but I would never do that to him or us.
Besides the lack of sex, he’s the man of my dreams! I love him to death.
The strange part of all of this is that I am 18 and he is 24. I’m far from overweight, we don’t argue much (besides petty problems) and on a daily basis he compliments me. I’m called “sexy,” “the best he’s ever had,” etc. I never see the true physical part of these thoughts and feelings, though.
I refuse to believe our relationship is going downhill. I’ve found pleasuring myself with either hand or vibrator does no good any longer. I’m so confused and sad. Past relationships have been amazing in the sexual department. All guys around my age can keep up (for the most part).
I don’t know. I feel like I’m babbling and I’m getting off topic. I wish there was a way to lower my libido. It’s distracting and puts pressure on our relationship. I’m glad there are other women out there who I can relate to. And for all the men who have posted who are dealing with the same sexual issues we are: MORE OF YOU NEED TO EXIST. lol
Anna
I don’t know what to do anymore, my husband never seems to want me anymore. I am not overweight, I think I am reasonably attractive and at 33 years old, I really want to have sex often with my husband. He is 43, and it seems in the past 3 years his desire has been steadily waning. He makes me feel so ugly and undesirable despite my healthy self-esteem when he denies me his affection. I would like to have sex 2x a day the way we used to when we first got together, but he stresses to me that his back won’t allow this. I do understand his physical limitations, but on the same token, he will hop up tout suite to go help a friend build a deck or some other laborious task! I don’t get it! He can lift heavy items in the hot sun for HOURS, but his back won’t allow sex with his wife?
Then, it’s incredibly hurtful to seek help on my on via the internet, looking for advice, and all I see 99% of the time, is things down the line of “Men are supposed to want sex ALL THE TIME…” oh really? So…what is wrong with my husband? What is wrong with me? I cry a lot now, and I have never really cried over a relationship before. I just keep thinking there must be something wrong with me. The only area of my body that truly disappoints me are my breasts. I keep thinking that maybe if they weren’t B’s…maybe if they were DDD’s, he’d want me more often, because I know he liked big breasts before we got married. I have not found any porn on the computers and I have no reason to suspect him of cheating. The only thing going on is his low T and his health issues that include back pain.
He does take a lot of medications to treat his illnesses. I support him through all of this, and I’m willing to compromise on sex just 2-4 times weekly, but I’m lucky now if we have sex that often per month! I feel like he forces himself to have sex with me too, as if I am repulsive or something, because I note that the quality of his erections are decreasing as well. He used to get really hard and respond to my foreplay, but now he more or less stays limp. His doctor prescribed a testosterone patch, but he was allergic to some compound in the adhesive, so he had to discontinue that. Back to square one now. I’m jealous of every couple I see that is all over one another publicly. I wish I had that. I wish I had a man who would respond to me and surprise me with sex that he truly wants to give me, not out of pathetic pity or obligation. I love my husband with all my heart, but he is killing me and our relationship.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to be loved and I don’t think I am asking for a lot. I’m not ugly, I don’t stink, I’m not the size of a freighter and I’m not an overbearing witch to him. Of course, I think he is getting his rear on his shoulders because this topic is a hot one as of late between us, and he feels me bringing the subject up is putting him on the spot. I understand that men are sensitive about this, but what can be fixed if we don’t communicate about the problem honestly? This is a problem and I don’t know why he won’t work harder on fixing it with me instead of running away/pretending that it doesn’t exist and leaving me further in the cold. I feel like he is going to push me away from him.
dorothy
I am 59 my husband 62. We have 4 children all over 18. My sex drive is almost equal to my husbands and has always been the same from day one. It is important in a marriage to have a similar sex drive. Friction will always result if the sex drives are vastly different.
We have sex every day and may miss a day here or there. I can orgasm during intercourse and do so at least twice every time. Not having an orgasm would be less satisfying to me and the tension build up needs a release.
I orgasm easily and am proficient and can do so quickly or at a slower pace but my first orgasm in the session is fairly fast as I need that release.
I keep my body in shape and so does my husband. That is too very important as how do you get excited if your partner is overweight and sexless.
I never masturbate and do not need to. Practice makes perfect and I have worked at my seuality and have made time every day to have sex and experiment with new techniques even small ones. My advice to younger couples —just as you make time for other tasks in your day make time for sex.
It makes your day and binds your marriage.
LM
He is snoring next to me once again after rejecting me. I have been away for days and only just came back today and I missed him a lot. I am 28 and he is 2 years older than me. I thought that he would be all over me coz I was not around, but obviously he did not miss me as much as I missed him.
We have been together for 3 years and we have always been adventurous in bed until I got pregnant. He always said he was scared that he will hurt the baby and I also felt the same way even thought the Dr assured us that it was safe to be intimate.
We went back to being intimate when our daughter was 3 months old and that 1st night was out of this world. Then that was it. He always made excuses about the baby being around. After our daughter turned 6 months I sent her to live with my mom but three months later there is still no improvement. He always says he is tired from work. I cry myself to sleep and he just doesn’t seem 2 care. He is a good husband in all other aspects and he is also a great father. But this is killing me. I really love him.
I am starting to understand why people cheat and we always wonder why coz they have loving and caring husbands.
ginger
I am so relieved that there are other women with this similar problem. I have been struggling with this issue for several years with my boyfriend.
I feel like I am unattractive and even less of a woman in his eyes. What really hurts is that he watches porn and masturbates steadily. I don’t understand what else I can do to make this happen. He has been everything I have ever wanted, except sexually. He recently told me that he doesn’t like “that every time he kisses me it turns to sex.” He has also told me that I make myself too easy. I would be happy with sex 3-5 times a week.
I just enjoy flirting and touching, but I feel rejected constantly. That if Thursday comes around, and he would like sex that I better not say no or I will not have another chance. I am starting to feel pathetic, and my self esteem is becoming low. I have tried dressing up, working his ego, and making special dinners…. I don’t know what to do any more….
NO
I’m 25, married my college sweet-heart… He couldnt get enough of me then…. Why is there a change now… I’m a few years younger than him, still look hot/stay in shape, still excited and adventurous in the bedroom…
I love sex and I love pleasing him, but he seems to “have to be in the mood” if he wants me most nights and he is usually too tired. I feel so rejected and try to stay perfect for him (physically ect) all the time. If he’s not bored w/our adventurousness, then does heaven still find me attractive?!..
I’m soooo very depressed over this. I feel like I’ll never be perfect enough or sexy enough… I just want to feel satisfied while making my man’s every wish comes true (sounds corny, but the truth).
Men love my body & complement me all the time… I love my husband, but if other men think I’m very attractive & like my personality… Then (what I’m afraid of) is that my husband & I have grown apart..?.?..
Please Help with advice!!!
Thanks!
amanda
This comment Is to the t what i am going through I’m at a loss
Marie D
I am married for two years with my husband, and for me, I would like to have sex once a day, so I would say i have a high libido.
I mostly ask for sex, and the best he can do for me is 1 in 2 days, and if i don’t ask, we have sex once in a week. I keep myself away from sex during my period because of religious reasons, so 1 week in 4 we don’t have sex, and mostly afterwards he initialises the sex.
I thought that it was because i didn’t orgasm that I wanted to have sex so often, but now that i sometimes orgasm; the only thing that changed is that we don’t fight when we don’t agree on how much sex we have (because I don’t feel as bad as I used to), but I still want once a day sex.
Now the latest months I had a stupid idea to watch porn, and it has been an addiction since. Now I have changed my computer so that I can’t watch it anymore, and I have read articles about how bad the porn-industry is etc, so I think I am conquering this fight, but what would really help I think is if my husband would furfill this need. What do you think about it?
myra
I am a woman who is extremely sexual. I need that connection with a man just like some people in a relationship need to like similar sports or Tv shows or other activities. if one person is willing to hold back on being sexual for the love of another than that other partner should be willing to give into some sexual acts for the love of their partner as well.
My advice would be move on, find somebody new, because obviously you and your partner are amazing friends and a friendship will last even if you break up because you have absolutely no sexual ties to hold you together to create jealousy.
Lonely
That is not normal. if this is just a boyfriend situation, and is not a marriage with kids, just run. It will only get worse. I am a 45 year old male, and would have to be on an IV to turn down sex from a cohabitating woman who was demonstrating sexy panties for me. Seriously, this is terrible.
Lonely
I am a man who is 45 years old. I am professional, educated, and have a good sense of myself. I am very fit, and workout six fays a week, mostly for stress relief, and to keep up my sense of worth and value. I have a tremendous sex drive, and always have. I would prefer to have sex 2-3 times per day, if it was offered.
I am married, for the last 13 years, to a good woman, who has a far lower sex-drive. I have two super kids, who are incredibly important to me. I get to have sex with my wife, 4-6 times per month. To me, this is horrible, because I always initiate, and get turned down 80% of the time. I masturbate daily, just to calm myself down. This has a tremendous impact on our relationship, because it makes me feel rejected, and basically un-loved and under appreciated. My wife also has sex toys, which she uses with me, and on her own at times. It really upsets me, that she uses the toys solo, and then turns me down for the real thing. She orgasms, nearly every time when she is with me.
We do not fight, or argue very much, but it is obvious that she does not love me as she once did. She used to be more experimental in the bedroom, and she was definitely more sexual than she now is. She is in her mid 40’s as well, and has become a bit harsh about some things, and has tried to create a separate life for herself with her coworkers, “who understand her “true jokester personality” better than I do. Needless to say, this has caused problems. There has been no cheating, and I have checked carefully, but I have called her out for what I believe are inappropriate emotional connections, outside of our marriage. She is trying to readjust this.
There is a lot of pain associated with being rejected, and I am sure this impacts my ability to respond calmly and to behave confidently with my wife. I know that she has painted me in a negative light with her friends, because their reactions to me, and their interactions with me are tempered with caution and do not reflect reality. This is very hurtful.
If we did not have children, I would have left long ago. When I dated women, I never would have put up with this situation. However, with two kids in the mix, I am trying to hang in there and get them to be older, before we pull the plug and move on. We don’t hate each other, but I resent her controlling manner, and the use of the kids as a lever against me.
I know that the kids are not a weapon she chooses to use, but the idea of taking away family is terrible to me. It would be devastating to them, because they are at an age when they need our support. We do have a fairly strong family bond. However, if she had half custody, I would be concerned that there would be few boundaries or controls on the kids, when they were not with me. I am the one who always has to say “no” to them, when something is dangerous or is not good.
When we dated and got married, her sex drive was more compatible with mine. It has slowly decreased. She is in shape, and is also a professional. It is a tough situation. Maybe as we get older, my sex drive will calm. I have hoped this would happen. She does not think our issues are sex related, but she really does not understand what it feels like to be denied or rejected. It has never happened to her. I had sex with her two days after I had surgery, when she offered. I feel for everyone who has posted. It is a painful thing to feel like there is something wrong with you, and I don’t comprehend why someone would not want to make love more.
V.C.
Totally agree. I’m always perplexed (and p*ssed off) by people who claim to be “too tired” for sex. Seriously?! I would never use being tired as an excuse. I’ve had sex several times when I was tired and it was still great.
Rebecca
Oh thank god! after reading this and finding that so many other women out there are struggling with this predicament too
I’m 26 and in a fairly new relationship I have been with him for 6 months nearly 7 now. we met online and we found that we had the exact same personality, desires etc pretty much we were the same person with different sexual organs…we met 1 week and a half later at a motel (I lived 1600 kms away and we drove half way to meet each other) we screwed like rabbits the first day we had sex many times that day and it was great, I ended up driving the rest of the way down to the city where he lived to live with my brother who was close by but I actually ended up moving in with my boyfriend straight away pretty much (we did move fast and we know this) we had sex so often every night pretty much and then it slowly dwindled as it does I guess with the “honeymoon” effect wearing off…however my drive never slowed and he KNEW how high my drive was from the get go, I expected his to match due to him telling me before we met of all his escapades in the past, I thought I had a partner who could keep up! how I was wrong.
as time has gone by in the last 2-3 months his drive has gone even more south, he has lost weight, started a new job and he works away a couple times a week then comes back and goes away again up north (driving trucks) and we’ll have sex the night he gets back and then he’s off again but when he has his consecutive 3 nights off his “weekend” we MIGHT have sex twice if I’m lucky before he goes away again…I feel so alone…I’ve told him that I felt insecure and I’ve NEVER felt insecure in a relationship, I asked if he was sexually attracted to me still (I havent gained weight) and he said very much so. (he doesnt even look at porn anymore! he deleted a whole collection off the computer the other day!!).
I did some digging online and there could be a few causes of his lack of desire 1. Low Testosterone (he’s 30 in a couple months) also could be due to losing body fat 2. he could have onset diabetes which cause high insulin therefore reducing his sex drive with it blocking the sex hormones
he is going to be getting it checked out because I’ve nagged him so much about it, I feel like such a bad guy when I ask for more after we’ve just had sex or when I nagged him about getting it checked out (at least he is!) I’ve contemplated cheating but I wont because if I havent done it before in my past I sure wont be starting now.
apart from the lack of sex I love him very much and we have a great relationship I just wish he was on the same level as me as far as intimacy goes because I just want to be intimate with him I’ve been in tears after masturbating because its just not the same…I dont care about having an orgasm thats not the point the point is I want to be with the man I love intimately and often because it feels good when we’re together like that.
lisa
I’m not alone!! I’m too laying next to my man who just rejected me… this is a constant fight between us all the time.. what do I do? Take drugs? Counseling? Move on after two years with almost perfect man? I’m tired of the rejection, it hurts too much and he don’t see that. Advice please
IWANTTOM
I ended up telling him how I felt, he said That’s just him he has a low sex drive. He said he would try some things for me In his diet that is meant to help produce more Testosterone
And he had sex with me that night..
A
No. You are not alonnnneeee!!!!!!!! Omg!!!! Im going crazy! Im 23 and my husband is 29 im going through the same exact thing !!!!! Im going crazyyyyyy!!!! He makes me feel like im not normal.
Iwt
Wow I thought I was alone!! Here I am laying in bed
Next to an asleep man after rejection it feels horrible
I’m so worked up and he’s just not interested.
He says he’s still attracted to me, but it’s difficult to believe
It sometimes ….I get the hopes up thing! Had sex twice
In 2 days I got so exited only to be sexually ignored for
The next week and a half….iv walked into a room in sexy
Underwear, get a ‘cool’ response…wtf is that!
Only thing is he’s 26 I’m 23…..is that normal? My sex drive is nuts.
I feel so agitated all the time because
I can’t kill my libido.
Miss
wow very good to read that other women have same problems. Nobody talks about cheating so far, everyone either eats or just gets masturbating.
I am 29yrs old, my partner is 2 years older. Apart from the first year it has been always like that I wanted sex more than he does. The frequency (yes I started to count it) is 1x per 4-6weeks.
We’ve been together for 5 years and now I start to have doubts. Before I thought if everything else works fine, so this is just a small thing and I was sure to make it work. However I did cheat on him, once – a lot of guilt, it was terrible, but I survived and never told him about it.
After another 6 months I did it again and this time I had no regrets. So what now? The situation is not improving, we talked about it a million times; he feels pressured for sex (although I feel like I cannot even imply it).
I still love him but sex is just not so important to him as it is to me.
Shall I live a life of lies or break a working relationship believing there may be a better one?
M
Wow – wish I had found this site a while ago (like 3 years) … Am married to a fabulous man, we have been together for 24 years. We enjoyed a great sex life, fun, experimental, loving, adventurous, the whole thing and then suddenly nothing. After 6 months of feeling utterly rejected and unattractive and ‘is he having an affair’ we finally managed to have a chat – something I had done and turned him off (I still don’t know what it was), this then moved on to lack of overall interest. I am very tactile, plus a pretty good sex drive, so with the combined hands off and no sex, ended up feeling even less attractive.
To cut a long story short … blood pressure tablets (his) are really bad for your sex life, not that anyone mentions this. Following a further 2 year dry spell and finally a visit to the cardiologist who after a clean bill of health, recommended Viagra (wow expensive) we have had sex. Not great for me, I was, to be quite honest, too freaked out and worried as to whether the meds would work, but they did so hopefully things are looking up (no pun intended, honest), I just need to learn to relax – oh and to wean myself off self-relief.
My sex drive is still pretty high (possibly something to do with being peri-menopausal, but have always loved sex so not sure about this) so am hoping that the physiological reasons are the issue and that the meds and practice will resolve this, and we can go back to what we had before. Will post again in a few months to up date.
KM
I have always been quite sexual and have never yet come across a man who could keep up with me. It’s gotten to the point where men have left me because I freaked them out with how much I wanted sex and because we’ve had fights over me apparently pressuring them into it.
Sex is very emotional for me and very much tied to my feelings for the person, so it is really painful to be sexually rejected. At the moment I’m finding things particularly frustrating because I have just started seeing someone that I am insanely attracted to. Physically he is really my type, I find him stunning, and for some reason when he touches me it feels better than when other men have touched me. I
‘m experiencing a surge of new relationship hormones and just can’t get enough. It’s already starting to be a problem, I’m being called a nympho and told I’m weird. It’s just crushing for me that he doesn’t seem to feel the same way, I thought when you are in a new relationship you’re supposed to be going at it like crazy. I feel so close to him when we do it, and afterwards when he holds me.
Last night I ended up in tears after he got my hopes up that it would happen and then said he was too tired and went to sleep. The crazy thing is, we had already had sex earlier in the day, I’m so attracted to him that ideally I want it several times a day. I can’t handle my level of attraction to him and am starting to think I’m going to have to end it because of how frustrating it is.. and I really don’t want to do that… It’s been upsetting me all day.
He accuses me of only wanting him for sex and doesn’t understand how emotional it is for me and that I feel that much desire for him because I like him… I feel unsatisfied and misunderstood.
ag
I know how you feel. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs. It seems like here lately I’m lucky if we have sex every 3 months. We are both in are late 30s so this is very hard on me. He has high blood pressure so that affects his erections but he has viagra but he still has no desire to even use them. which really bothers me. I feel as if I’m not good enough and its starting to affect our relationship. I’m confused and don’t know what to do to help this. I don’t want to lose him.
T.C.
Is there just no solution to this problem? Are we just supposed to resign ourselves to never find satisfaction? Anybody??? Suggestions??
T.C.
Amen… I have the same problem. I have a huge sex drive and my man does not. I went for 6 years in a marriage with no sex whatsoever. It was a hard thing to do but I had a terminally ill partner. I stayed true blue to him until the day he died. After he passed I found a wonderful man that for the first month or so had as high of a sex drive as I do. Now a year later he and I both seem to be bored with each other.
Go figure. I love him to death and he loves me. However getting rejected too many times causes the relationship to just flatten. I want sex at least 3 or 4 * a week and he’s just not interested. He has been to the doctor and got medication but even that doesn’t seem to help. I know he wants to get married, but I am afraid to go that route because of this situation.
If its this bad after only a year what are we going face down the road? I’m in my early forties and he’s in his late forties… much too young to lose your libido. I’m so frustrated in the bedroom but happy and most other areas of our relationship
marie
you are not insane….i’ve always been blessed with men who made a point to keep up with me sexually….well until recently…i’ve been called a nympho etc and have heard every line in the book to avoid it. i also had a string of sex friends and have men approach me daily, but of course i only want the one i’m with…my self-esteem is taking a beating that i can assure you. he is the one with the issue!
i’m not sure how long you have been with him but i would suggest he see a docotor for low testosteron/childhood issues and/or maybe you should have fun on the side or hell maybe just pack up and find someone else who will make a point to sexually compromise with you. sending you hugs!
Bev
I love my boyfriend very much and am sure he loves me, he’s loving and affectionate but I feel unwanted at times.
When we first got together we had sex at any opportunity, he spoke of an active sex life in the past was in an unhappy marriage where they both cheated. Since meeting me he says he wants different things now and has found someone he feels very happy with and wants to spend the rest of his life with. We have moved in together and most of the times are very happy.
We used to have sex most mornings but now it just seems to be on weekends which isn’t enough for me. Prior to all this he accidentally showed me a pick of some half naked woman on his phone while looking at other things he apologised and said he thought he had deleted it! He says all men do it and openly admitted to masterbating.
I felt worthless and unattractive as it wasn’t actual porn stars he was looking at but blonde sexy wives. I find my self wondering if we don’t have sex so often because he’s getting off on these sites?
He has since opted out of porn on his phone as Vodafone has restricted certain sites but yesterday I found that he subscribed to some fit woman on Facebook (I’m not on there anymore) and is following her, should I be worried? I do really trust him and am the happiest I’ve ever been since being with him but this makes me feel sick to my stomach and I don’t know how to deal with it!
He’s said I’m everything he wants and needs and nothing or no one else but why pursue these other women and deny me the sex I require????
Cindy
I am a woman in my late 20s and as such I feel that my very high sex drive is either statiscally and biologically logical, or maybe has been enhanced by several years of sexual repression, or a combination of the above. For years I was waiting for my libido to kick in (more often than the occasional bouts of intolerable lusting I was familiar with)- although I didn’t expect it to be quite such a tidal wave.
I am not in love and never have been, and as such have never entertained a relationship that was other than purely sexual. I expect whenever it does happen, if the relationship is a monogamous one, it would have to be – hopefully would be – with someone with a similar sexual appetite.
In the meantime, the only way for me to satisfy my present needs is to negotiate up to three or four partners at the same time: if one is unavailable there’s another who will be as glad to see me as I am to see them. There is no “romantic” attachment involved other than deep affection and respect, and this is what allows these “partnerships” (if we are to distinguish from other relationships) to evolve and flourish within their own individual dimension, and to run their course in what seems like a natural fashion without entailing emotional difficulties if/when they end.
I’ve only recently started sleeping with men again; an inherent difficulty in approaching women is the reason I had sex about once a year for a number of years – so I may yet just be making up for lost time, but I doubt that’s the sole or even the main reason behind my present libido which at times feels difficult to handle (I get bouts of extreme moodiness and agressivity which sexual gratification seems the only cure to).
As a point of interest for this particular thread, straight men seem to be the ones who have the most trouble keeping up with my demands, whereas women have been more aligned with the frequency of my needs (to be honest, there seems to be so much variation in needs from one individual to the next that gender is arguably hardly at the forefront of the issue). Chance, fate, or law of attraction: I don’t believe it needs be that only opposites attract.
In any case I count myself lucky that I have found an arrangement that I’m both comfortable and satisfied with. I hope that through these experiences, having acquired the measure of give and take that can and should be found in a sexual relationship, my future partner/spouse and I can more easily discern and deal with potential problems if they are to arise.
It did make me quite sad to think that some women who have contributed here feel like lowering their libido is the only viable option. No one should have to forfeit such an important part of what makes them who they are.
Samantha
Wow. I’m glad to see I’m not the only woman out there suffering with this same problem, however I’m still disappointed to not see a solution.
I’m 24 and my bf is 34 and we have been together for 1 year and 5 months, living together for a year. I can’t seem to get his attention, no matter how hard I try. He loves me I know he does, but sex with us can go without for weeks! Frequently for us is like once to twice every two weeks or so. I don’t know if its an age difference thing but I want him all the time. I could settle for 1-2 times a week, to just feel wanted.
In arguments he tells me that when things are good between us everything else will just fall into place like the intimacy… but we have arguments rarely and when we do they’re not even about sex.
I just don’t know what to do. I’ve told him before that you know when you were my age I bet you had a high sex drive just like me if not worse…you’re a guy! His reply is I want sex all the time!
BS! Then why don’t I feel that…I cry myself to bed most the night, listening to him sleep bc I don’t know what to do after being rejected. Its not good to feel rejected and its seriously killing me. I think our relationship could be 10 times better if we had a good sex life. Sex with him is amazing when I do get it.
I’ve tried outfits, videos, massages, little trinkets to show him I love him… I’ve even flirted and tried being a lil seductive through the day to lead up to a good night and literally the past 3 nights I’ve been rejected. .. please help me. I do think this kinda thing could ruin our relationship.
Bill
My wife and I used to enjoy very regular love making but now I would rather read a book. I wish that I still had a high libido and satisfaction, as I can remember how enjoyable it was and I feel bad that my wife has to ask me for satisfaction. It seems to be a very common problem after some time of being in the same relationship.
Although I can be aroused: mentally the message does not seem reach the parts that matter, but sometimes I have erotic fantasies involving other women (?the seven+ year itch?). I would not be upset with her if she secretly found physical satisfaction else where. Nevertheless, I feel it is my duty to make love once a week as best as I can and she is satisfied when I do this. The person who said it’s very selfish not to give 30 minutes a week to satisfy your partner is quite right. A man can often be satisfied in 10 minutes with little effort from his partner but most woman would like an hour of very active stimulation. If she needed it everyday then she would need a vibrator or a new partner.
For those wanting to reduce their need through drugs: there could be unforeseen consequences, better to service that need with a vibrator or perhaps with someone else in a similar situation depending on your religious/ethical beliefs, even if you change partners you might face the same problem again after several years in the new relationship. If you partner is not willing make an effort at least once a week perhaps they don’t deserve you or they should know the possible consequences of their selfishness.
Sometimes I also feel fully satisfied but usually frustrated by lack of a proper climax. Our relationship is often very strained by this lack of desire on my part and I understand a lot more of how she feels rejected and undesired because of the other comments. I can tell you that for me sexy nighties don’t make a difference unless she can make herself 21 again. I am trying various known herbal libido boosters, more exercise and perhaps I should try medical marijuana as well.
What might help get some partners going:
a) physical fitness (boost testosterone), less time sitting by TV, computers
b) timing – mornings or early nights, not when your partner is already tired
c) sweetness, kindness, gentleness, affection
d) body massage naked skin to skin
e) both sleep naked in close proximity
f) sexy movies with erotic scenes
Things that have had a negative impact and have made me more distant:
Bossy, overbearing, dominating, demanding, not letting me have an opinion, undermining me in front of children or others, impatience and refusing to listen/understand.
amber
I understand completely. I am 28 yrs old and will soon be getting married to my very best friend. Everything is perfect except our sex life.
I want it constantly. He is fine with 2 times a month or so… I need something to help decrease my drive, Its causing arguments….
jessica
WOW! I have been in many relationships and never has a guy kept up with my sex drive. I always hear of guys wanting a girl like me but they can never keep up. Masturbating is not enough for me and i do feel like a freak because I walk around always thinking about sex. There are times where I want to have sex with any cute guy that is attracted to me, but what would that do to my relationship? It is horrible living this way. I guess we should try to talk to our partners and let them know how they make us feel when they reject us. It is not equal we try our hardest to make them happy, why can’t they help us with this small problem that will bring us closer together
SMB
I have seen comments about people with husbands with low libido and woman having high sex drives. I do not know if my situation fits that. Yes I want sex more than my husband but I do not think I am asking too much to get it more than once every 2 to 3 months. I would be happy with once a month. At least that is better than what I am getting now. I know that he is interested. He has no problem with E.D. When he does give it to me, it is amazing and wonderful. I just wonder what I can do to help him be interested.
JF
I am glad to see there are many woman in the same boat. I always thought a man wanted sex continuously. Every relationship I have been in the past the man always wanted a lot of sex, but my boyfriend now of almost 2 1/2 years seems to be wanting it less and less. He is 39 and I just turned 31.
He claims most couples by this point only have sex maybe a few times a month. But, I shake my head at that. To me those people really aren’t digging eachother.
I can have sex maybe once @ least everyday. I don’t have any kids, I’m in good shape, eat right, and so does he. So, I am confused. I have finally come to that fact, reading other posts, he must have low testosterone. But, I cannot say this to him, cause he is defensive and will get mad. He makes it seem like it is me. Just miss the passion we had in the beginning.
so
I know exactly how you feel I have no idea what to do? Don’t know how much more of the rejection I can handle anymore !!
wmk
I am a young woman in my early 20’s and I have been with my boyfriend for four years now. My sex drive is much higher than his and I agree that one of the worst things about it is the rejection. I hate coming onto him just to have him say “im tired”. The sex when we do have it is fantastic, but i have to practically beg to get to it. It makes me wish that he would go after me because all a woman wants in the world is to be wanted.
Other than feeling like I’m an unattractive sex fiend our relationship is amazing and I love him to death.
NWA
For decades my interest in sex was greater than my wife’s. We wound up having relations about three times a year. Then she started using medical marijuana for depression, and her interest in sex greatly increased. We now tend to have sex three times a week, with her always interested in more. Also, with increased frequency came increased variety and pleasureability, and a very surprising ability for me to last longer. This has greatly improved our marriage.
MA
PS.. ok, I’m a man and my wife likes to have sex a lot less frequently than I do. I would settle for a few times per week and would be very happy about it at this point although I’d like it more often. so I post on here and feel guilty. My wife is an incredible woman and I feel that if I have to accommodate her lower sex drive then I’m willing to for her sake however it has been a struggle for me…
From a Christian perspective and to those who are married Christians as I am here’s what the Bible says (keeping in mind it takes TWO to make a marriage work and to agree on how things should be for the mutual benefit of both partners):
1 Corinthians 7
Concerning Married Life
” 1 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. ”
M.Do
Oh wow, reading everyone’s article helps me vent too! I am a women in my early thirties and my soon to be husband is in his late forties.. Our sexual side started off great! 2/3 times a day, two to three times a week. It was fine and dandy, lately it’s been only me that still craves for more sex.
It started out him initiating and now I’m constantly begging. I asked if he’s lost interest in me or if there’s someone else. His reply was no, and that he’s tired from work. Which I totally understand when a man comes home from work he needs at least an hour to wind down. After settling in, I make my first attempt and got shot down with the same ” I’m tired and had a long day at work ” This went on for 4 months!!
Seriously hurts my ego, and I start to wonder if it was me. There was a time he had a health scare and started focusing on himself and his health, which I am one of his biggest supporters. Every night, I’d try to get in his pants at least once and none was accomplished.
I’ve tried seducing, to doing the things I’ve never done, yet he shuts me down again. Listening to him snore everynight was a turnoff but I felt with it and nothing faded me from trying. One day, he snored so bad that I couldn’t stand it anymore!!! I asked my Fiancé to check out some options with the doctors, maybe run a few test to see if he has sleep apnea; and sure as hell we find out he has high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and his testosterone was low!!
After said and done, it became all about him. Support him with his diet, making sure he’s eating right and making sure I don’t accidentally hurt his emotions because he feels stressed about his health. Doctor prescribed him high blood pressure medication and we all know high blood pressure medication does not help “JR” especially with low testosterone. I’m still out of luck with the SEX.
I sat him down, and had a long conversation with him. I told him how i felt and he admitted that he wasn’t denying me sex, he just couldn’t get his “JR” to perform. Save me the curiosity, I thought it was me or another partner!! Whew..with this said and done we asked doc to proscribe something for JR, and his doctor gave him Cialis. Currently, I still have to ask for sex and I maybe get it once every two weeks. Wtf!
My question is, do men loose interest in sex? Whether if it’s just sex or having sex with emotional intent!?! I sure know that toys and vibrators do get old!!!
Thanks for reading..
s78d
I too thought I was the only woman going through this. Always had a high sex drive since I started having sex at 20. I’ve been able to get around the problem of not getting sex from one person because I’d always have a “friend with benefits” as back up.
Problem now is that I’m married. I do feel that marriage it’s sacred and I’d never betray him. I’m around alot of guys being in the military and have had a couple of guys make advances but I’ve been able to say no so far. It actually makes me upset that other guys want me but my husband doesn’t. So I’ve had to turn to pornography to pleasure myself.
Am I crazy for wanting sex with my husband everyday? If possible twice a day? He laughed at me when I told him how much and how often I wanted it. We’ve only been married for 2 years and I’m 33, he’s 38.
Am I crazy or are there couples who actually have sex this often? He says I’m insane, that most people have sex 2, 3 times at most in a week.
sgr
I discussed this with my wife and have repented of the unforgiveness and anger toward her brought about by hurt thinking her not wanting sex as frequently as I was a sign of her not caring for me. Her feelings are just as important (or more) than mine. I will not cheat on her with anyone or look for or to any other – marriage is much more than sex and sacred and binding in God.
amr
I am a woman who constantly feels rejected by the men with whom I have had relationships. I am always the one with the higher sex drive, and as such there always seems to come a time in the relationship where my man feels “pressured to perform.” For me, I am not looking for a “performance” – I want sex for the physical and emotional connection it brings. To the few who commented about getting a vibrator, that is about the most ridiculous comment to a woman who feels rejected because her partner denies her sexually. I have used vibrators, and have no qualms with using them. However, they are not now nor will they ever be a replacement for an intimate, sexual connection with the person you love and care for.
TS
After spending 22+ years eating myself further into morbid obesity and blaming myself for my wonderful partners’ complete lack of sex drive, he finally admitted to me that he has had sexual hangups ever since his evil stepmother discovered him masturbating as a young boy… he believed that he should not allow himself to enjoy a normal sex life, and so, decided to simply stop ours… dead in it’s tracks…
I tried to get him to counseling, several times, but every time anyone started making any headway he’d freeze up, clam up and find any excuse to stop going…
So here’s the point: we, as women, tend to be insecure about ourselves and our bodies because we have been bombarded with messages from misled, if well-meaning mothers, ignorant “diet doctors” and the media. It doesn’t take much to make us believe that if our otherwise loving and wonderful partner no longer seems interested in sex, it must be OUR faults… I say, especially after punishing myself for 22+ years, look at HIS part in it and delve into it… don’t stop until you get him some help and get yourself some answers.
I wish my man had listened to me, and the professionals who tried to help him, and, now, so does he… especially after he brought on cancer by choosing to live in a-stressful-as-possible-lifestyle, without allowing himself to do ANYTHING that might relax or decompress or make himself happy.
He now realizes what he lost by pushing me away all those years without any explanation (and believe me, I gave him MANY, MANY opportunities to open up to me about why). I am still with him, and I still love him, but frankly, the fire has died and I just can’t get it back. Now, we just get through life one day at a time, and basically live as sister and brother…
S Collins
I am and have always been, exactly the same as described in this article. It seems men are interested in the beginning, then interest wanes, whereas mine never, and I do mean, never does, whether my husband/boyfriend gains weight, isn’t dressed particularly sexy, even if I am super-busy or sick, I am still like this 24/7, and it creates problems. You wouldn’t think so, but it does!
As the one woman said, it’s REALLY hard for a woman to even initiate, let alone get turned down! It’s humiliating, leaving hurt feelings, feelings of insecurity and unattractiveness – never good things to have in the mix when making love is concerned – and so on. And ultimately it affects everyone feelings of wanting to make love; it’s a huge problem!
RE
After reading most of the comments on this page I just have to shake my head and wonder how many of the “disinterested partners” might actually be hiding their true sexuality. I, too, had a spouse that told me over and over that there was something wrong with me for “wanting it” all of the time. After 30 years of marriage, two beautiful children and several sessions at the marriage counselors my now ex-wife declared her lesbianism (is that a word?)
The warning signs were there but I chose to ignore them. I mean how do you ask the mother of your children if she is gay? That being said, once the cat was out of the bag, so to speak, everything made sense. The high number of gay friends and associates, the way she dressed and wore her hair suddenly made it crystal clear why her sexual desires were lacking in a heterosexual marriage. After our divorce was final I discovered that there were women out there who loved sex as much as I did.
I finally found one that was the answer to all of my prayers and we are now married. So my advice to those of you who “wonder” about their spouse or partner’s libido, look deeper and don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions. It might save you a lot of heartbreak down the road.
TS
That’s what I said in my posting, which I don’t see here. My man had all the energy in the world to work himself stupid, both at work and around our home, but always made excuses when it came time for our “weekly date night”–something he imposed on us because he said sex during the week made him “too spaced-out” at work the next day…
After nearly 20 years of being rejected and neglected (in bed only: he’s a wonderful partner in every other way), he finally confessed that he is still scarred from his childhood and has so many shame issues about sex that he has a terrible time just allowing himself to “let go” and enjoy sex…
After trying multiple times to get him/us help via counseling, only to have him sabotage it, I finally gave up and resigned myself to taking care of myself…and as much as that can relieve a little stress, it pales in comparison to making love and feeling cherished by your beloved. The heart wants what the heart wants, and it tears us both apart that now, neither of us will likely never have it with each other again…
His recent bout with cancer and now osteoporosis mean sex is just out of the question, and I would really feel like a monster asking him to even try. I’ve always been physically more attracted to him than he has me, but after all that has gone on for 20+ years, at this point, I really don’t even care about it anymore…and the urges have pretty much died down to a trickle, so I guess things have worked out for the best, in the end…Sigh!
Willie
I am one of the people on the other side of the fence. My wife wants to have sex every day and I used to give that to her but I haven’t been able to keep up. This has led to many problems in our relationship. She has felt unloved and went somewhere else to fill that hole she has in her heart.
I love my wife and she loves me I don’t want to leave her but her addiction to sex Is hard to deal with. I am a sex addict to but I’m once or twice a week and this is pulling us apart.
We have 4 kids and even this is noticed by my 10 year old that we get more and more frustrated at each other. I thank you for letting me know how my wife probably really feels and hopefully this will make me a better husband.
TLS
I think it is interesting that no one mentioned the emotional factors that can throw a monkeywrench into a couples’ sex life. In our case, we got together in our early/mid 30’s, when we were still young and vigorous enough to have a great sex life. I fell head over heels and he clearly had strong feelings for me, though not as strong as mine. One of the things that he said to me, before we were more than just friends is that he missed being married “…because he loved to f— like crazy.” That was all I needed to hear, because I was already so in love with him, all I needed to know was whether he liked sex, too. One of the problems with all of my several relationships between my wild teenage years to the present, was that no one even came close to my first lover, in high school.
Imagine my dismay when, within a few weeks after a decent start to our relationship, he began setting up extreme limitations on when we could have sex. He said he was too spaced out at work on the days after sex,
so we could only do it on the weekends. No only that, but despite his having been married twice before, I found him to be quite inexperienced, and not willing to learn what I liked or be experimental at all. I was always careful to be very respectful of his feelings and never told him he wasn’t a good lover, or that he wasn’t very adventurous. I was a little bored when we did manage to get together, but I had no idea how good I had it.
Within just a few months of our getting together we moved in together and things just continued to go downhill from there. By the time we had been together for 6 months or so, he began to make excuses to avoid sex, no matter how romantic or sexy I made things. It was odd, though, that when I did get past his objections, he always said how sexy I was, what a great time he had and that we really needed to do it more often.
Leap forward to today, 20 years later. We are still together, but have been basically celibate for nearly all of that time. He would occasionally deign to pleasure me with his hands, but when I would beg him to make love to me, he would refuse, ignore me and leave me frustrated, crying and aching to be united with him as we used to be in the beginning. I am now about to turn 54, and he will be 59 this year. After years of being rejected, ignored, frustrated and heartbroken, I have packed on 100+ lbs onto an already very obese frame. I have literally almost eaten myself to death over this, because I assumed that he pushed me away due to my weight (before I got this heavy) and that he just couldn’t bring himself to say so. Clearly I have my own issues, but without him dealing with his, my having dealt with mine didn’t, in the end, really make much difference, except that I have almost arrived at a place of acceptance about this great loss.
Last year, when my partner became ill with cancer, he finally confessed that the reason he withdrew from me in this way, was due to his being traumatically shamed as a young boy, when his stepmother caught him masturbating. He has never gotten over the shame and humiliation he felt, and is still in so much pain about it, has refused to get help, even though I actually got him into counseling multiple times. He would sabotage himself and make excuses (usually always work-related) to quit going, just as he began to get close to divulging/dealing with what was troubling him.
Now, he is one sorry human being! He admitted that during a trip to visit our daughter at college, he had taken some time to assess what was missing in our relationship, and how it was causing a void between us. He had decided to come to me and beg me to give him another chance to rebuild our love life, in hopes that we could rekindle not only that, but our loving feelings once again. Unfortunately, he dawdled, and then got ill and now, even though we are so grateful that he beat the cancer, he is so sick with all the co-morbidities (like osteoporosis, for one) that resulted from the use of the chemo drugs and steroids used to treat the cancer, that we barely even exchange kisses anymore. I too have become less and less well and don’t forsee things ever getting any better between us.
I guess the point of my long posting is to share with people having problems with men (or women, for that matter) who are not interested in sex is that they should not assume that it is due to anything being wrong with themselves, but that the problem may well be, as in our case, due to some deep emotional issues on the part of their partner.
If they can convince their partners to seek and accept professional help or find some way to release that shame, etc. they may well be able to save their marriage/relationship/partnership. Otherwise, a loving relationship without a healthy sex life is doomed to become more of a living-with-your-sibling situation, than the deep, loving one it could be.
RLW
My comments: It seems like it takes opposites to attract. Therefore it is likely that one partner will have a lower sex drive than the other. Also if two HIGH libido partners get married what will be the sex drive of their children??
Sarah
Its nice to know I’m not the only person with this problem. My husband and I have been married 17yrs. and have a daughter 16. Sex for us happens once a month if I’m lucky. I feel bad that he seems not to find me as desirable and attractive as he once did. Other than sex we have a great marriage.
BK
The great mystery of life is why two people in a relationship don’t have equal sexual desires. Later on in life it seems like most women lose their sex drive and as a result rarely initiate sexual activities. This indeed is sad since wanting and initiating sex is a necessity in any relationship. Otherwise as was said so often in the other posts one of the partners will feel unwanted or like he/she is doing something wrong.
In a marriage both the woman and man should make love making a high priority and a requirement in order for their marriage to be successful. Unfortunately too many partners don’t want to put in the extra effort to fulfill these requirements and as a result the marriage goes stale or ends in divorce.
What a shame when you think about it. A sexually inactive person can spend hours doing chores each and every day at home, work, or shopping like washing clothes, dishes, cleaning the house, or sitting in traffic for hours. However, spending 20 minutes a couple of times a week engaging in sexual activities is considered excessive and too difficult to do???? Does this make sense?
It’s all about attitude and not putting the effort into a relationship that you should be.
MPZ
To the question of ‘having him tested.’ Might be a good idea. I was diagnosed with low testosterone. This caused severe hot flashes, mood swings. Low T makes you more susceptible to heart attacks and strokes. I was way below the low limit. The injections help. But be advised, this is not a cure all. Neither is an ED drug. It is the emotional bond that makes it work.
d
Thank you for sharing this information. I have been married for 12 years to a wonderful man that does not match my sexual libido. I joke that the guy every woman wants to marry got married to the girl that every man wants to marry. I too have struggled with insecurity, feeling unlovable and undesirable. Though my husband swears it has nothing to do with his lack of libido.
Am wondering if it would be helpful to have him tested? Could there be something hormonal or chemical keeping his libido low?
I. C.
I’ve been hearing for several years of how bad soy milk and soy products are for male children. Many infants have been on soy their entire lives. I can recall talking with teens years ago who couldn’t bring themselves to drink milk because they’d been raised solely on soy formula. Can this be a part of the problem we’re seeing now in younger males? Is this trend reversible?
dmg
Thank you for addressing this problem. Has anyone ever mentioned that with some men it is a power play to never respond to overtures from the woman? I, also, felt like a weirdo for wanting more sex and affection. Trying the rhythm method of birth control was a nightmare, as he was determined to have sex when I was fertile. I have 5 children and would have had more, but I had my tubes tied after #5.
Please continue to speak to this subject.
MM
Why crush your libido? In Victorian times, unfulfilled women went to the doctor to deal with their “hysterics.” There was a show on television about how the doctor would manually relieve this tension for them. This became so frequent, that he invented an electric device to accomplish the same. This evolved into the modern vibrator.
If your man can’t handle your libido, YOU CAN! Have you considered purchasing a vibrator? If he always has access when he wants it, but you don’t, he seems pretty self centered and neglectful of your desires. Enjoy your libido, independently, make your own magic. Who is to blame if you ‘take matters into your own hands’?
TD
I was surprised the authors didn’t mention that most men who don’t want sex with their partners have many other mitigating factors affecting their “lack” of sex drive.
For almost 20 years of marriage, my husband convinced me he didn’t have a strong libido. Like the comments on this page, I was always trying to solve ‘the problem’. I cajoled, teased, entreated, cried, psycho-analyzed. To no avail.
He was incredibly affectionate, sweet and seemed to love me unconditionally. But never wanted sex with me. It never ended. Until I checked his computer and looked up ‘History’ under Favorites. There I saw all the porn sites. One day he’d visited 70 porn sites!
We almost lost our marriage, but through SAA (Sexual Addicts Anonymous) we are pulling through. Now, at least, we no longer have a sham of a marriage. A man just ‘doesn’t have a libido’, he doesn’t have a libido for YOU. There also can be deep issues in the relationship that have built to a level that can cause his behavior.
Wise up, read up and get active! The cute nighties aren’t going to do it.
Denise
Thank you so much for telling the whole story and helping upend this stereo-type. It is comforting to read comments from women who are struggling with the same issue – high sex drive and not enough sex.
I’m single and in my late fifties and it’s getting more complicated because the testosterone is dropping in most of the men my age. In my last relationship, my man was 60 with a great sex drive but after five years, it disappeared. He wouldn’t go to the doctor about it and finally asked me to leave because he felt pressured for sex. I was devastated.
The problem is widespread, as revealed by all of the Erectile Dysfunction ads, but no one talks about helping the woman trying to hang in there.
I think you are doing a great service, and ground-breaking work, taking the issue out of the bedroom and into discussions with other women and the health community.
S. J.
As a guy that stayed too long in a relationship with a woman that did not share the same sex drive I can relate to the ladies complaining about their “cold blooded” partners. Please, get out of those broken relationships right away. Looking for a way of dulling your own desire will only increase your frustration. Looking for satisfaction elsewhere (cheating) would only make you feel guilty or get in a double life of lies and denial.
One of the most important foundations of a successful relationship is chemistry, and mutual desire. Lack of interest on the other part is CRUSHING for our ego. At some point in time a lot of people would feel so down that they would feel that their only option is to “go find outside what they don’t get at home”. Getting caught or not, invariably these actions will cause irreparable harm to their partners, to themselves, and their family.
Respect yourself. Ask for what you want and need from your partner, and don’t stop until you get it. Do not PUNISH your partner EVER by denying sex, if there is any issue, address the root cause. If love is gone, face the facts, be honest and move on. If there is a medical cause, try medication, hormones, antidepresant medication, whatever it takes to bring back the spark. We don’t know what its causing it, maybe environmental causes, but desire in man is declining. Check if that is the cause.
For men, rejection can be even worst than for woman, because of traditional roles, and expectations society puts on us, and believe it or not, we can suffer as much emotional harm as women, and we do!.
Be careful, relationships can be kept on life support for too long. The elephant in the room can be ignored for too long. Don’t fall in that trap!
a.s.
i only wish my wife WOULD initiate sex once. we have the opposite problem . . .
for a while a number of years ago, due to my work i DID rebuff her a few times, but since then, it’s so rare to get it on at all, that it seems like it’s not worth the effort.
JE
This is good to hear that some women have a greater sex drive than the partner. I have been married for 16 years and feel starved for sex. I tell my wife it is a important part of our relationship and it’s important to me, but that seems to go unheard.
I have thought of cheating for sex but never have. She thinks counseling is not a option, any suggestions?
MPZ
First, let me say there is NO woman who cannot outlast and wear out a man. It is just the way it is. And it is a good way to keep him from wandering.
Having said that, I have the opposite problem. My Wife is not interested. Or, if she is, she puts so much pressure on me to make it the most romantic, intimate experience that I end up worrying if I am doing it right, or wrong, or if I am not into enough for her. And then I don’t do well.
I suggested lets just do it for fun because we love each other and go from there. Seriously, as good as sex is, the best part, for me, is when we are done and laying there in each others arms. The sex part is no longer diverting my attentions and I can hold her, run my fingers through her hair, run my nails up down her back, and more.
I try to make it interesting for her, I try to focus on her. I want her to enjoy it. I ask her what she wants, how to do it, and whatever else she may want. But she thinks that it is wrong for her to say anything. Anything other than her on her knees is wrong in her mind. There is no intimacy in making it robotic. I don’t know if she is seriously interested in having sex or just doing it to patronize me. So when she initiates, I hold back not knowing why. It is frustrating.
In the end, for me, good sex is having her wake up in the morning, smiling while hugging her pillow, thinking the birds are a little cheerier and the sun is a little brighter and thinking, “you know, that was fun. I enjoyed it. I would like to do it again….with my husband.” That is great sex.
I can empathize with the women who feel rejected. Because of my wife’s lack of interest it makes me feel like she has no interest in me anymore. But, if I don’t try, she gets mad because I have no interest. But if I try, I hear “Is that all I am to you, a sex toy?” Huh?
I have enough stress and pressure in my life. I don’t need these artificial interferences compromising my relationship.
C.
Interesting information–not altogether surprising. One of the myths of the culture that women are the passive not-interested in sex half of the partnership. For those women who are feeling the frustration of “not enough” suggest checking into purchase of a vibrator for the times when she is interested and he is not.
A wonderful little invention, inexpensive and effective. Might even inspire him if the experience is a shared one.
TR
That is a shame. I am a man in the same situation. I have been married over 35 years and we both keep ourselves in good shape and I still have a desire and am capable of making love 3-4 times a week but once a week is enough for her.
When you love someone, you do want to keep them happy. I am not your usual husband. I cook clean and am very handy around the house for construction activities. Love to exercise and spend time with my wife. Wanting to make love to someone that you not only desire, respect and love and then to be turned down is hard to accept. You really do wonder if something is wrong with you or there is someone else that she is interested in.
Tough situation. Wish you the best. Like Doctor OZ said, a good love life not only reduces stress and will result in living 5 years longer but is fun too. Sometimes when we take the time and get away, it is like a honeymoon. GOOD LUCK